Thursday, December 20, 2012

One year ago...

One year ago I woke up not really sure how the day was going to go...I knew it was going to be a hard day...another hard day...  I can't remember the exact time but I am pretty sure we had to be down to Mayo around 7:30.  I remember getting there and dreading going in and yet wanting to go in and just get it done with.  I remember feeling scared, anxious, maybe even a little lightheaded.  I was going in to do something that I knew I needed to do...yet I didn't want to...at...all.  I remember telling the lady at the desk who I was and then I remember the nicest nurse coming right away to get me...she kind of flashed my armband that she was carrying in her hand to the other nurse as she told her that she was taking me to my room...pretty sure that was code for something...like...hey I got the lady here who is about to deliver her already deceased baby.  She walked me into the room and I couldn't help it...the tears just came.  She told me that I was brave and that she had looked at my chart and couldn't believe what I had already been through.  She got me my gown and I got into the bed.  She told me that it was hard to know how these drugs were going to react in my body.  Sometimes they work right away and sometimes it could take many doses...I could be in labor shortly or I could still be there tomorrow morning and still nothing.  I prayed that it would work quick...lets get this done with.  You know part of me, when given the option of just having a surgery to deliver, wanted to do the surgery...put me out and just let it be done...lets not have the hours of emotions leading up to it...but in my heart of hearts I knew that I could not do that...ever.  I wanted to see my baby...I wanted to hold my baby...and I wanted to be fully aware of what my body was doing as I delivered his sweet, precious body into this world.  Even though he had already passed...there is something about being able to hold your baby.  Anyway...my prayers for a peace-filled day were answered.  After a couple hours I knew my body was getting ready but I was so anxious.  I kept talking to the nurse and Jon and tried to watch a movie to try and take my mind off of things...but it just wasn't working.  I knew that if I could just get my body to relax things would move quickly...so I asked for a little IV medication.  Boy did the room start spinning then...but it was just what I needed.  Shortly after I told my nurse that it was time and soon after our little Oliver Davies entered our lives.  Not knowing what he was going to look like was a little bit of a hindrance for me...but yet I still could not wait to see him and hold him and study him.  He was perfect.  Perfectly formed.  Perfectly made.  Perfect in the eyes of God and his mom and dad.  As I stated in a previous post, we found out that Oliver had Down Syndrome and that it was what took his life.  Why he couldn't stay with us...we'll only find that out when we get to Heaven.  Until then, I am resting in the knowledge that God knew what was best for his little life and He decided to bring him Home to live with Him.  I will get to see and hold him again...that I know.  Oh as I think back to that day one year ago I can't help but get teary eyed.  What I knew was going to be a hard day turned out to be not so hard...thanks to many of you praying for me.  It turned out to be a day of yes sorrow...but also a day of great joy as we got to see our little baby.  A day of loss but also a day that we were able to be a witness to others about our faith and our great God.  Our nurse was so great and the doctor we had was wonderful as well.  When he came back in to tell me that if I wanted to go home I could (which I was so grateful that he was willing to let me go) he got all teary eyed as he told us that he couldn't believe all that we had gone through...so many losses...and we told him that God is good...all the time.  We actually ran into that doctor one other time while we were in Rochester...it was good to see him and for him to see us doing well...we hope and pray we made a positive impact on him.  I can't believe it has been one year ago where I walked into a hospital at 7:30 not quite ready to meet my baby and walked out 12 hours with complete peace that God was with me that day.  I still have days where I miss my baby and wonder what life would have been like...I still miss all my babies and wonder what all their lives would have been like.  And isn't it just like God to turn sorrow into pure joy.  Not even two weeks after losing Oliver did we get an e-mail from Heather in GA wondering if we would possibly adopt her baby.  Thank you Lord for your continued blessings and not leaving us in the pits of sorrow.  Wow...what a year it has been.  Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet Oliver Davies.  Can't wait to snuggle you in Heaven someday :)

Monday, December 17, 2012

I'm back...and Oh...there's been a change of name!!

Hey Everyone!!!  I'm back!!  Let's see if I can even remember how to do this blogging thing!! hahaha!  Well...some of you might have been thinking that I just gave up on blogging...some of you might have been thinking that I just didn't have time to blog now that I have 3 little ones (that is partly true)...but the real reason that I haven't been blogging is that I was advised not to!  You see...after we got baby #3 and I had the whole announcement about him on here, his birthdad decided that he did want him.  So...not sure what that all meant we were very scared.  And our attorney advised us that until the adoption is finalized it would be best not to Facebook or blog :(  I agreed to it, thinking that it wouldn't be that long and that it would be the best thing...well never did I think it would take this long to be back at it.  But the good thing is...I am a proud momma of 3!  The adoption was finalized on Monday, December 10th!!  We had a lot of rocky moments during these last 8 months.  At first the birthdad was really taking this seriously and of course so were we. In the state of Georgia the birthdad's don't automatically get their babies if they aren't in a serious relationship with the mom...it's the mom's decision.  But the dad's can go to court to fight that decision...which is what he told us that he was going to do.  After a few months of ups and downs we found out that his attorney was no longer representing him and then he couldn't be reached by our attorneys either...so it seemed like he had moved on.  However, since he signed a piece of paper stating that he was fighting for parental rights we needed him to sign adoption papers if he was going to let the adoption go through...well...he didn't respond to any of that either...so our last resort was to take him to court (well our attorney did) and if he showed up there then they would ask for his signature...and if he didn't show up then they would ask the judge to terminate his rights...he didn't show up.  Normally we would have celebrated at that moment but there is no celebrating in adoption until you go to court in your home state and you go before a judge and he says "Yes.  I believe it to be in the best interest of this child for Jon and Ali Feldman to adopt him.  I will sign the papers."  And our judge said just that (or some form of that! haha!).  Ahhh....a sigh of relief that day!!  Yea!  And speaking of that little baby boy...he is 8 months old now...and he does have a new name...here...I'll let his sister tell you what it is:
 
 
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That's right...Charlie Miles Preston Feldman!  It so fits him!!!  So why a new name?!  Well...I have never had this before...but it just didn't fit!  It wasn't his name!  When we went down to Georgia we had a different name in mind...but in the end we named him Miles...and I really really really like that name...I did then and I still do now!  But when we got home and after a couple months something just wasn't sitting right.  One night I told Jon that I just didn't think Miles' name was suppose to be that...so he asked me what it was suppose to be...and I thought for a bit and Charlie just came to me...it was a name that I think we threw out one time but never seriously.  Jon thought about it and we talked about what it would mean to change it and then we just decided that maybe we would just call him Charlie as a nickname.  Well we soon decided that if we were going to do that his name should just be Charlie but we didn't want to get rid of Miles because like I said...I still liked that name and as many people pointed out to us it was kind of a cool name for him since we had to go miles and miles to get him :)  So he became Charlie...and what a Charlie he is :)  As you'll see in my upcoming posts, he's got a smile that is just killer :)  One more reason that I liked Charlie is that I felt it just fit with Natalee and Bennett better...and this is really geeky of me but I loved that they all had 7 letters...and this is really bad but I couldn't figure out how to say his plural name...it always came out sounding like Miles-is-is...no...that's Miles-is-is toy...and that was really driving me nuts 'cause I just couldn't get it....Charlie's is much easier for me...call me crazy :)  Anyway...now that I can blog again look for many posts about what we've been up to :)  And lots of pictures!  And a new look to my blog as well...I really wanted to have a new look before I started blogging again...but I just haven't had the time to sit down and do it...call me crazy...but I'm a little busy chasing a 2 year old, 15 month old, and 8 month old (who is an excellent crawler) around :)  Here's one little picture to hold you off for now :)