One year ago...

One year ago I woke up not really sure how the day was going to go...I knew it was going to be a hard day...another hard day...  I can't remember the exact time but I am pretty sure we had to be down to Mayo around 7:30.  I remember getting there and dreading going in and yet wanting to go in and just get it done with.  I remember feeling scared, anxious, maybe even a little lightheaded.  I was going in to do something that I knew I needed to do...yet I didn't want to...at...all.  I remember telling the lady at the desk who I was and then I remember the nicest nurse coming right away to get me...she kind of flashed my armband that she was carrying in her hand to the other nurse as she told her that she was taking me to my room...pretty sure that was code for something...like...hey I got the lady here who is about to deliver her already deceased baby.  She walked me into the room and I couldn't help it...the tears just came.  She told me that I was brave and that she had looked at my chart and couldn't believe what I had already been through.  She got me my gown and I got into the bed.  She told me that it was hard to know how these drugs were going to react in my body.  Sometimes they work right away and sometimes it could take many doses...I could be in labor shortly or I could still be there tomorrow morning and still nothing.  I prayed that it would work quick...lets get this done with.  You know part of me, when given the option of just having a surgery to deliver, wanted to do the surgery...put me out and just let it be done...lets not have the hours of emotions leading up to it...but in my heart of hearts I knew that I could not do that...ever.  I wanted to see my baby...I wanted to hold my baby...and I wanted to be fully aware of what my body was doing as I delivered his sweet, precious body into this world.  Even though he had already passed...there is something about being able to hold your baby.  Anyway...my prayers for a peace-filled day were answered.  After a couple hours I knew my body was getting ready but I was so anxious.  I kept talking to the nurse and Jon and tried to watch a movie to try and take my mind off of things...but it just wasn't working.  I knew that if I could just get my body to relax things would move quickly...so I asked for a little IV medication.  Boy did the room start spinning then...but it was just what I needed.  Shortly after I told my nurse that it was time and soon after our little Oliver Davies entered our lives.  Not knowing what he was going to look like was a little bit of a hindrance for me...but yet I still could not wait to see him and hold him and study him.  He was perfect.  Perfectly formed.  Perfectly made.  Perfect in the eyes of God and his mom and dad.  As I stated in a previous post, we found out that Oliver had Down Syndrome and that it was what took his life.  Why he couldn't stay with us...we'll only find that out when we get to Heaven.  Until then, I am resting in the knowledge that God knew what was best for his little life and He decided to bring him Home to live with Him.  I will get to see and hold him again...that I know.  Oh as I think back to that day one year ago I can't help but get teary eyed.  What I knew was going to be a hard day turned out to be not so hard...thanks to many of you praying for me.  It turned out to be a day of yes sorrow...but also a day of great joy as we got to see our little baby.  A day of loss but also a day that we were able to be a witness to others about our faith and our great God.  Our nurse was so great and the doctor we had was wonderful as well.  When he came back in to tell me that if I wanted to go home I could (which I was so grateful that he was willing to let me go) he got all teary eyed as he told us that he couldn't believe all that we had gone through...so many losses...and we told him that God is good...all the time.  We actually ran into that doctor one other time while we were in Rochester...it was good to see him and for him to see us doing well...we hope and pray we made a positive impact on him.  I can't believe it has been one year ago where I walked into a hospital at 7:30 not quite ready to meet my baby and walked out 12 hours with complete peace that God was with me that day.  I still have days where I miss my baby and wonder what life would have been like...I still miss all my babies and wonder what all their lives would have been like.  And isn't it just like God to turn sorrow into pure joy.  Not even two weeks after losing Oliver did we get an e-mail from Heather in GA wondering if we would possibly adopt her baby.  Thank you Lord for your continued blessings and not leaving us in the pits of sorrow.  Wow...what a year it has been.  Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet Oliver Davies.  Can't wait to snuggle you in Heaven someday :)

I'm back...and Oh...there's been a change of name!!

Hey Everyone!!!  I'm back!!  Let's see if I can even remember how to do this blogging thing!! hahaha!  Well...some of you might have been thinking that I just gave up on blogging...some of you might have been thinking that I just didn't have time to blog now that I have 3 little ones (that is partly true)...but the real reason that I haven't been blogging is that I was advised not to!  You see...after we got baby #3 and I had the whole announcement about him on here, his birthdad decided that he did want him.  So...not sure what that all meant we were very scared.  And our attorney advised us that until the adoption is finalized it would be best not to Facebook or blog :(  I agreed to it, thinking that it wouldn't be that long and that it would be the best thing...well never did I think it would take this long to be back at it.  But the good thing is...I am a proud momma of 3!  The adoption was finalized on Monday, December 10th!!  We had a lot of rocky moments during these last 8 months.  At first the birthdad was really taking this seriously and of course so were we. In the state of Georgia the birthdad's don't automatically get their babies if they aren't in a serious relationship with the mom...it's the mom's decision.  But the dad's can go to court to fight that decision...which is what he told us that he was going to do.  After a few months of ups and downs we found out that his attorney was no longer representing him and then he couldn't be reached by our attorneys either...so it seemed like he had moved on.  However, since he signed a piece of paper stating that he was fighting for parental rights we needed him to sign adoption papers if he was going to let the adoption go through...well...he didn't respond to any of that either...so our last resort was to take him to court (well our attorney did) and if he showed up there then they would ask for his signature...and if he didn't show up then they would ask the judge to terminate his rights...he didn't show up.  Normally we would have celebrated at that moment but there is no celebrating in adoption until you go to court in your home state and you go before a judge and he says "Yes.  I believe it to be in the best interest of this child for Jon and Ali Feldman to adopt him.  I will sign the papers."  And our judge said just that (or some form of that! haha!).  Ahhh....a sigh of relief that day!!  Yea!  And speaking of that little baby boy...he is 8 months old now...and he does have a new name...here...I'll let his sister tell you what it is:

 

 

 

 



That's right...Charlie Miles Preston Feldman!  It so fits him!!!  So why a new name?!  Well...I have never had this before...but it just didn't fit!  It wasn't his name!  When we went down to Georgia we had a different name in mind...but in the end we named him Miles...and I really really really like that name...I did then and I still do now!  But when we got home and after a couple months something just wasn't sitting right.  One night I told Jon that I just didn't think Miles' name was suppose to be that...so he asked me what it was suppose to be...and I thought for a bit and Charlie just came to me...it was a name that I think we threw out one time but never seriously.  Jon thought about it and we talked about what it would mean to change it and then we just decided that maybe we would just call him Charlie as a nickname.  Well we soon decided that if we were going to do that his name should just be Charlie but we didn't want to get rid of Miles because like I said...I still liked that name and as many people pointed out to us it was kind of a cool name for him since we had to go miles and miles to get him :)  So he became Charlie...and what a Charlie he is :)  As you'll see in my upcoming posts, he's got a smile that is just killer :)  One more reason that I liked Charlie is that I felt it just fit with Natalee and Bennett better...and this is really geeky of me but I loved that they all had 7 letters...and this is really bad but I couldn't figure out how to say his plural name...it always came out sounding like Miles-is-is...no...that's Miles-is-is toy...and that was really driving me nuts 'cause I just couldn't get it....Charlie's is much easier for me...call me crazy :)  Anyway...now that I can blog again look for many posts about what we've been up to :)  And lots of pictures!  And a new look to my blog as well...I really wanted to have a new look before I started blogging again...but I just haven't had the time to sit down and do it...call me crazy...but I'm a little busy chasing a 2 year old, 15 month old, and 8 month old (who is an excellent crawler) around :)  Here's one little picture to hold you off for now :)

Oliver

My Dear Oliver

I have want to write to you and about you for so long...I just didn't exactly know what to say or where to start.  Today was your due date.  It's crazy to think that you have been gone from us longer than  you were ever with us.  When I first found out what your due date was I was so excited 'cause I thought you would be the perfect birthday present for your daddy! :)  I sit here and wonder what day you actually would have been born...would it have been the 27th...or sooner...or later?!?!  Oliver...you were the smallest and most fragile baby I ever hope to hold or see here on this Earth.  You were my first baby that was born still and after you were born I was so sad that I didn't get to hear any squeaks or see your chest move at all.  I am so sad that I didn't get to hold you in my arms as you entered Heaven.  But I am so glad that you were with me when you did.  I do believe that I felt you flutter once inside my belly and as I sit here now I wonder if that wasn't you saying hello and good-bye as it was around the same time that they told me that you probably passed away.  You were born at 17 weeks but they think you died between 15 and 16.  You were so tiny but so perfectly formed.  Little fingers and little toes all there.  It's pretty common for ladies to post how far along they are on their blogs and Facebook now and so every time I see that they are between 15 and 17 weeks along I think to myself that I know how big their baby is and what he or she looks like because I was able to see you!  I am so glad that your daddy and I decided that it would be best for me to deliver you naturally...as hard as it was it was so worth it to be able to spend a little time with you!  We were so blessed to have great nurses and doctors to help us with your entry into this word...they made the day so much easier on me and your dad...we are so thankful for them...God truly watched over us that day.  And I think we made a big impact on them too...many said how strong we were...and it's only by God's grace and strength that we were able to make it through.  Oh Oliver...how we miss you and wish we could have gotten to know you.  You were named after too very special doctors to us.  One (Dr. Oliver) was our strength when we lost your sister Emmalee...he was the one we looked to for advice when all the other doctors were trying to tell us what they would do...he provided us with such wisdom and compassion...we still get together with him and his wife and times and do supper...he will always remain close to our hearts.  And the other (Dr. Davies) was mommy's doctor that was always so kind and always wanted the best for us.  Because we lost your sister and your brothers he had us coming in every two weeks to check on you...he said that this time he was going to get us a baby that we could take home :)  The day that we found out that you were no longer with us he walked into the room...almost determined that he was going to find your heartbeat...I know that I already wrote this on the blog but when he couldn't find it all he could say was "this really sucks"...and you know what...he was right.  I don't tend to like to talk like that but it really did suck that you weren't going to be with us anymore.  It just sucked because I wasn't done being pregnant with you...I wanted to feel you move more...I wanted to see you on ultrasounds every two weeks...and on May 27th I wanted you to come out of my tummy and into my waiting arms...and I wanted you to be alive!!!  He was so good to me...he just sat there while I tried to hold back the tears...I tried really hard to be strong...but I just couldn't do it and the tears came...and he didn't need me to quit anytime soon...he was there for us and I know he just felt so bad.  He then told us that we needed to take the weekend to think about what we wanted to do as far as delivery and he said that if I chose to do the surgery that he would be the one to do it...not one of the residents...which is pretty amazing because down at Mayo a lot of times you just get stuck with whoever is on duty that day.  So all that to say is that you were named after two pretty amazing doctors who we love and adore :)  About a month after you passed we did find out the reason that you couldn't stay with us...Dr. Davies had suggested that we do some genetic testing on you to see if we could find a reason since you were our fourth baby that had died...so we did do that.  I won't forget that call from the genetics counselor either...what she told me just shocked me partly because after you were born we were pretty sure that you had had a cord accident because your cord was so tight right by your belly button.  At your 14 week ultrasound you were just a dancing in the womb...moving like crazy that we all commented on how much you were moving...so we figured that you must have just wrapped your cord tight at one point and that it cut off your life supply.  But really you passed away because you had Down Syndrome.  I was shocked.  That never entered my mind...we found out that about half of all babies with Down Syndrome pass away in the womb...most of them with serious defects that they are not able to live with...you probably fell into that category.  So I asked her about your cord and she said that it was probably also a defect and that it could have had a part to do with you passing but that you probably had many more.    I had told your dad before that I really thought that Dr. Davies thought that you had a heart condition but that he wasn't going to tell us that until he knew for sure...I thought that for two reasons...one being that your heart rate was up in the 180's a lot and so was Emmalee's and two he suggested that we do an echo of your heart around 22 weeks to just check everything out for peace of mind...he never suggested that with your brothers...and their heartbeats were always around the 140-150's.  So I asked him...and he didn't come right out and say that he had thought it but what he did say made me feel like I was right...so I turned to your dad and he said "you were right...he did think Oliver had a heart defect".   So whether you actually did or not we will never know...but the amazing thing is...you don't have one anymore...you are perfect in Heaven and I can't wait to see you again up there!  I bet you and your brothers and sister are having an amazing time together up there and I can't wait for you to greet me at the gates and for you to introduce me to Jesus!  Wow...what a day that will be...I almost can't even fathom it with my earthly mind.  Oh Oliver...just know that you will always be missed and loved until we meet again...and that your life, although way too short, was perfect and just how God intended it to be.  We always tell people that God is writing a story for our lives and we are just trying our best to live it out...and we are so glad that He made you a part of that story!  A very important part.  God is good all the time!  So while you were born still on Earth on December 20, 2011 you were very much alive in Heaven...to God be the glory!

We Won!!

A BIG thank you to all of you that voted for us in the Mother/Daughter look alike contest!!  It was a lot of fun!  And winning it was pretty fun too :)  Thanks again!!

As I said in my last post, I entered Natalee and me in a Mother/Daughter look alike contest...so far we are ahead!!  Thank you all for your votes...you still have until Sunday (Mother's Day) to vote and you can vote once a day so keep them coming ;)  Thanks again!!  When I decided to enter us I thought we needed to take a new fun picture...so I grabbed Natee and headed to the bathroom and let her start making faces in the mirror and then just started to snap away...so I thought I'd share some of those pictures with you...I think they turned out pretty cute...if I may say so myself! haha!  The first one is the one I used for the contest...I just thought it was way too cute :)  Well I hope you all have a great day and I'll be back to blog later...probably next week sometime :)  Thanks again for your votes!  Here's the link in case you want it again: 

http://northfieldnews.upickem.net/engine/Details.aspx?p=V&c=56353&s=19507275&i=1&m=X&sort=SORTORDER&#SD

Shameless Plug Alert!!

Hi there!  All is well here :)  I entered Natalee and I in a Mother/Daughter look alike contest that our local paper is running and so if you feel like it you can go vote for us at this link:

http://northfieldnews.upickem.net/engine/Details.aspx?p=V&c=56353&s=19507275&i=1&m=X&sort=SORTORDER&#SD

The only problem is that you have to register before you can vote...which is a little time consuming...but not bad...and after you register then you can vote for us once a day until May 13th.  I just thought it would be fun to enter since people are always telling me how much Natee looks like me...God sure knew what he was doing when He gave me her as my daughter :)

Okay...that's all I have for now :)  Don't feel like you need to but if you want we would greatly appreciate it :)  Have a great week!

Bennett's 6 month pictures

Since Bennett is now 7 months old I thought I'd better get his 6 month pictures up here! haha!  Isn't he just a little cutie?!?  I sure think so!



All is well here...just busy busy busy!  But I do have more pictures and thoughts for more posts so check back here soon..hopefully I'll find a few minutes to get some more on here :)

Hair!!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Heather and I had a fun afternoon at the salon getting hair makeovers :) I think we were both pretty pleased with the outcomes :) What do y'all think?!?!

Four years ago...

our sweet Emmalee came into this world! I bet her birthday party in Heaven will be amazing!! I can't even begin to imagine what a party in Heaven is like :) I'm sure there is cake! We will always miss you and always love you Emmalee!

www.feldmanbaby.blogspot.com

Mr. Miles Preston

I feel like I should blog a little about Miles' birth...and then don't worry...there will be a lot of pictures to follow! It was an amazing day...April 4, 2012 will definitely be a day that I won't forget...ever! We started our day by getting ready at our hotel and running to Walmart for a few things (like snacks!) that we thought we might need in the next few days. Then we had to report to the hospital with Heather at 9:45...at 10:00 a.m. they started hooking her up to the monitors and it was so neat to hear Mile's heartbeat one more time before he was born (we got to hear it when we traveled down in February too!). We also got to feel him move...what an active little guy he was! And then we just waited and waited and waited for 12:00 to come around. Right around 12 they came to get her and they asked if we wanted to watch from the little window of the OR...since Heather was okay with it we jumped at the chance to watch our son be born...we've never been able to do that and so it was such a neat experience...thank you again Heather! :) Around 12:25 they brought us in and we stood there and just watched and waited for him to make his arrival...the nurse counted down for us with her fingers...3, 2, 1...and then they were lifting him out! So so amazing...12:34 p.m. was the official time and I told Jon...look...he was born at 1234! :) After that we just waited for him to get weighed and cleaned up and for them to finish up with Heather...that part we didn't watch! haha! I couldn't believe when the nurse showed me through the window that his weight was 6 lb 15 oz...we all thought he was going to be over 8! And he was only 20"...we thought at least 22 :) After about a half hour they brought Mr. Miles (who didn't have a name at that time) to our room and it was such a special time...reminded us of when they wheeled Natalee in for the first time...there were lots of tears for sure! :) After looking at him for awhile we decided that he looked like two different names...and so we went and asked Heather which one she liked best and Miles became his name. Preston is a family name for Heather (her grandpa, brother and son all have that middle name) and so we wanted to do that for her :) The funniest thing was that Miles wasn't even on our list...it was a name that I have liked for awhile and so when I brought it up I thought Jon would shoot it down...but he actually liked it :) hahaha! So Miles Preston Feldman it is :) After that we just had a great 2 days in the hospital doing all the newborn stuff that you get to do and having lots of visits with Heather. It really was a great couple of days...we will never forget them :) And now...onto the pictures :)

Last belly picture before she had to change into her gown :)

Here he is!! The nurse came and grabbed my camera and boy am I glad she did...she got some great shots! And Heather's mom took my other one...unfortunately I forgot my charger for that one and the battery died as they were looking through the pictures so I haven't seen any from that camera....and the memory stick doesn't work in this computer so I'll just have to wait until we get home to see those pictures! :)

One more shot of him coming out!

Our beautiful birthmom!! It was an emotional day for all of us! :) But good emotions :)

Our first up close look at Miles :) I love this picture :)

And Heather getting to see Miles :)

This picture looks so much like a picture we have of Emmalee

Looks like he was happy! haha! :)

First time Jon got to hold Miles :) I always let him hold first so I can take a picture :)

We don't have a picture of both of us looking at the camera at the same time so I picked the one where I was looking! hahaha!

Getting his first bath by nurse Robyn

He loves getting his hair combed...and he loved laying under the heat lamp :)

Heather and Miles...she took this picture with her camera on her phone...I love it!

All of us :)

The doctor that delivered Miles

Ready to go home! I gotta put his going home outfit on him again and get a picture of him in it...it was so stinkin' cute!!

First bottle at "home"

Wow! That was a lot of pictures huh! Well I did another post too...so you'll have to look below for that one :) Enjoy!!