One year ago...

One year ago I woke up not really sure how the day was going to go...I knew it was going to be a hard day...another hard day...  I can't remember the exact time but I am pretty sure we had to be down to Mayo around 7:30.  I remember getting there and dreading going in and yet wanting to go in and just get it done with.  I remember feeling scared, anxious, maybe even a little lightheaded.  I was going in to do something that I knew I needed to do...yet I didn't want to...at...all.  I remember telling the lady at the desk who I was and then I remember the nicest nurse coming right away to get me...she kind of flashed my armband that she was carrying in her hand to the other nurse as she told her that she was taking me to my room...pretty sure that was code for something...like...hey I got the lady here who is about to deliver her already deceased baby.  She walked me into the room and I couldn't help it...the tears just came.  She told me that I was brave and that she had looked at my chart and couldn't believe what I had already been through.  She got me my gown and I got into the bed.  She told me that it was hard to know how these drugs were going to react in my body.  Sometimes they work right away and sometimes it could take many doses...I could be in labor shortly or I could still be there tomorrow morning and still nothing.  I prayed that it would work quick...lets get this done with.  You know part of me, when given the option of just having a surgery to deliver, wanted to do the surgery...put me out and just let it be done...lets not have the hours of emotions leading up to it...but in my heart of hearts I knew that I could not do that...ever.  I wanted to see my baby...I wanted to hold my baby...and I wanted to be fully aware of what my body was doing as I delivered his sweet, precious body into this world.  Even though he had already passed...there is something about being able to hold your baby.  Anyway...my prayers for a peace-filled day were answered.  After a couple hours I knew my body was getting ready but I was so anxious.  I kept talking to the nurse and Jon and tried to watch a movie to try and take my mind off of things...but it just wasn't working.  I knew that if I could just get my body to relax things would move quickly...so I asked for a little IV medication.  Boy did the room start spinning then...but it was just what I needed.  Shortly after I told my nurse that it was time and soon after our little Oliver Davies entered our lives.  Not knowing what he was going to look like was a little bit of a hindrance for me...but yet I still could not wait to see him and hold him and study him.  He was perfect.  Perfectly formed.  Perfectly made.  Perfect in the eyes of God and his mom and dad.  As I stated in a previous post, we found out that Oliver had Down Syndrome and that it was what took his life.  Why he couldn't stay with us...we'll only find that out when we get to Heaven.  Until then, I am resting in the knowledge that God knew what was best for his little life and He decided to bring him Home to live with Him.  I will get to see and hold him again...that I know.  Oh as I think back to that day one year ago I can't help but get teary eyed.  What I knew was going to be a hard day turned out to be not so hard...thanks to many of you praying for me.  It turned out to be a day of yes sorrow...but also a day of great joy as we got to see our little baby.  A day of loss but also a day that we were able to be a witness to others about our faith and our great God.  Our nurse was so great and the doctor we had was wonderful as well.  When he came back in to tell me that if I wanted to go home I could (which I was so grateful that he was willing to let me go) he got all teary eyed as he told us that he couldn't believe all that we had gone through...so many losses...and we told him that God is good...all the time.  We actually ran into that doctor one other time while we were in Rochester...it was good to see him and for him to see us doing well...we hope and pray we made a positive impact on him.  I can't believe it has been one year ago where I walked into a hospital at 7:30 not quite ready to meet my baby and walked out 12 hours with complete peace that God was with me that day.  I still have days where I miss my baby and wonder what life would have been like...I still miss all my babies and wonder what all their lives would have been like.  And isn't it just like God to turn sorrow into pure joy.  Not even two weeks after losing Oliver did we get an e-mail from Heather in GA wondering if we would possibly adopt her baby.  Thank you Lord for your continued blessings and not leaving us in the pits of sorrow.  Wow...what a year it has been.  Happy Heavenly Birthday my sweet Oliver Davies.  Can't wait to snuggle you in Heaven someday :)