Oliver

My Dear Oliver

I have want to write to you and about you for so long...I just didn't exactly know what to say or where to start.  Today was your due date.  It's crazy to think that you have been gone from us longer than  you were ever with us.  When I first found out what your due date was I was so excited 'cause I thought you would be the perfect birthday present for your daddy! :)  I sit here and wonder what day you actually would have been born...would it have been the 27th...or sooner...or later?!?!  Oliver...you were the smallest and most fragile baby I ever hope to hold or see here on this Earth.  You were my first baby that was born still and after you were born I was so sad that I didn't get to hear any squeaks or see your chest move at all.  I am so sad that I didn't get to hold you in my arms as you entered Heaven.  But I am so glad that you were with me when you did.  I do believe that I felt you flutter once inside my belly and as I sit here now I wonder if that wasn't you saying hello and good-bye as it was around the same time that they told me that you probably passed away.  You were born at 17 weeks but they think you died between 15 and 16.  You were so tiny but so perfectly formed.  Little fingers and little toes all there.  It's pretty common for ladies to post how far along they are on their blogs and Facebook now and so every time I see that they are between 15 and 17 weeks along I think to myself that I know how big their baby is and what he or she looks like because I was able to see you!  I am so glad that your daddy and I decided that it would be best for me to deliver you naturally...as hard as it was it was so worth it to be able to spend a little time with you!  We were so blessed to have great nurses and doctors to help us with your entry into this word...they made the day so much easier on me and your dad...we are so thankful for them...God truly watched over us that day.  And I think we made a big impact on them too...many said how strong we were...and it's only by God's grace and strength that we were able to make it through.  Oh Oliver...how we miss you and wish we could have gotten to know you.  You were named after too very special doctors to us.  One (Dr. Oliver) was our strength when we lost your sister Emmalee...he was the one we looked to for advice when all the other doctors were trying to tell us what they would do...he provided us with such wisdom and compassion...we still get together with him and his wife and times and do supper...he will always remain close to our hearts.  And the other (Dr. Davies) was mommy's doctor that was always so kind and always wanted the best for us.  Because we lost your sister and your brothers he had us coming in every two weeks to check on you...he said that this time he was going to get us a baby that we could take home :)  The day that we found out that you were no longer with us he walked into the room...almost determined that he was going to find your heartbeat...I know that I already wrote this on the blog but when he couldn't find it all he could say was "this really sucks"...and you know what...he was right.  I don't tend to like to talk like that but it really did suck that you weren't going to be with us anymore.  It just sucked because I wasn't done being pregnant with you...I wanted to feel you move more...I wanted to see you on ultrasounds every two weeks...and on May 27th I wanted you to come out of my tummy and into my waiting arms...and I wanted you to be alive!!!  He was so good to me...he just sat there while I tried to hold back the tears...I tried really hard to be strong...but I just couldn't do it and the tears came...and he didn't need me to quit anytime soon...he was there for us and I know he just felt so bad.  He then told us that we needed to take the weekend to think about what we wanted to do as far as delivery and he said that if I chose to do the surgery that he would be the one to do it...not one of the residents...which is pretty amazing because down at Mayo a lot of times you just get stuck with whoever is on duty that day.  So all that to say is that you were named after two pretty amazing doctors who we love and adore :)  About a month after you passed we did find out the reason that you couldn't stay with us...Dr. Davies had suggested that we do some genetic testing on you to see if we could find a reason since you were our fourth baby that had died...so we did do that.  I won't forget that call from the genetics counselor either...what she told me just shocked me partly because after you were born we were pretty sure that you had had a cord accident because your cord was so tight right by your belly button.  At your 14 week ultrasound you were just a dancing in the womb...moving like crazy that we all commented on how much you were moving...so we figured that you must have just wrapped your cord tight at one point and that it cut off your life supply.  But really you passed away because you had Down Syndrome.  I was shocked.  That never entered my mind...we found out that about half of all babies with Down Syndrome pass away in the womb...most of them with serious defects that they are not able to live with...you probably fell into that category.  So I asked her about your cord and she said that it was probably also a defect and that it could have had a part to do with you passing but that you probably had many more.    I had told your dad before that I really thought that Dr. Davies thought that you had a heart condition but that he wasn't going to tell us that until he knew for sure...I thought that for two reasons...one being that your heart rate was up in the 180's a lot and so was Emmalee's and two he suggested that we do an echo of your heart around 22 weeks to just check everything out for peace of mind...he never suggested that with your brothers...and their heartbeats were always around the 140-150's.  So I asked him...and he didn't come right out and say that he had thought it but what he did say made me feel like I was right...so I turned to your dad and he said "you were right...he did think Oliver had a heart defect".   So whether you actually did or not we will never know...but the amazing thing is...you don't have one anymore...you are perfect in Heaven and I can't wait to see you again up there!  I bet you and your brothers and sister are having an amazing time together up there and I can't wait for you to greet me at the gates and for you to introduce me to Jesus!  Wow...what a day that will be...I almost can't even fathom it with my earthly mind.  Oh Oliver...just know that you will always be missed and loved until we meet again...and that your life, although way too short, was perfect and just how God intended it to be.  We always tell people that God is writing a story for our lives and we are just trying our best to live it out...and we are so glad that He made you a part of that story!  A very important part.  God is good all the time!  So while you were born still on Earth on December 20, 2011 you were very much alive in Heaven...to God be the glory!