Events of Yesterday

*Note: I actually started this post on Friday but it started getting a little longer than I intended and we had to get going so I am finishing it up here on Saturday*

Hey all. First of all I want to thank each and every one of you who came to be with us yesterday. It really did mean a lot to have all of you there to celebrate the lives, short as they were, of our handsome little men. Yesterday was a good day. I woke up knowing that it was going to be a hard day...and it was...but God was there. I told Jon last night...okay...we got through our last hard day of doing stuff...not that there aren't going to be hard days emotionally but actually carrying out physical activities for the boys...this was the last day...well...Sunday at church might be one more hard day...and going back to work to my clients...that might be a hard day...but yesterday I do believe was the end of the hard days...like Britt said in her blog (samandbritt.blogspot.com) Thursday was going to be the last day of making memories with the boys and that is bittersweet...you're not really sure whether you really want that day to come 'cause you know it's going to be over sooner than you want it to be. I knew on Monday that that was the last time I was going to see the bodies of my babies. With their thin little skin and tiny little bodies I don't think they would have held up very long...one of the things that they did warn us about. So on Monday we did go to the funeral home to get them ready. They looked so cute that I wanted so bad to have an open casket...but I also knew in my heart that it was not to be. I didn't really want people to see them and think anything bad...to me they were perfect...to others...maybe not so much. So that is why I will limit the number of photos that I place here on the blog...I want all of you to have a very positive impression of my boys...because they were so cute and precious to us. But I did take lots of pictures of them...and some of them in their casket so I will always have those memories. Anyway...back to yesterday. We were able to just relax in the morning...I can not tell you how nice it has been to sleep in with no alarm clock ringing...that is something we in our household do not do very often! And we were able to have some left over lasagna thanks to Chris bringing it over the other night...and we did get a fifteen minute nap! Then it was time to get ready. We got out to the church at around 3:45 p.m. and got things set up. We were so thankful that they did open the church for us to use as it was pretty cold and windy. The sun was funny yesterday...it came out...then went away...then came out...and then away. And it was definitely hidden from us during the time of their service...so the warmth of the church was nice....and it was nice to be out of the wind. The boys arrived at the church around 4 p.m. Their casket was just way too small...for those of you who were at Emmalee's funeral...Owen and Coopers casket was even smaller than hers! Doesn't seem possible! We ushered in everyone to the church....had lots of hugs which is so nice to get...it's so nice to know that you are loved and cared for by so many people! Pastor Don opened with prayer...my brother Sam sang a song that we have now taken on as our theme song of the moment...it's called My Surrender by Steven Curtis Chapman...here are the words:

Does it all sound the same?
Are my words getting through?
I've been trying so hard
And I'm about to break
So here I am with all I have

And I'm giving it all back to You
All back to You
I surrender
Yeah, I'm giving it all back to You
All back to You
This is my surrender
Take it all

And what song can I sing
But the songs that You give
I have nothing to bring
That did not come from Your hand
So here I am with all I have

And I'm giving it all back to You
All back to You
I surrender
Yeah, I'm giving it all back to You
All back to You
This is my surrender
Take it all

All my plans and all my dreams
I'm giving it all to You
I lay it all down at Your feet
I'm Yours

So what song can I sing but this song?

I'm giving it all back to You
All back to you
I surrender
I'm giving it all back to You
All back to You
This is my surrender
Take it all


And then my good friend Sarah had sent us something that she had written after getting home and seeing the boys on Sunday. Her words just seemed so perfect that we wanted her to share them with everyone. Here is her letter:

The hand of God reached down into our world today. There is no question in my mind that He is there, working in our midst. Whether we admit it or not, He is there. Bigger and mightier than us, with a vision for what’s ahead. His plan is greater than ours, with more thought and foresight than we have a capacity for. I can’t even begin to understand His ways and often, as today, question why, but underlying it is this sense that He knows and He sees and He works it all for the good of those who love Him.
Owen Timothy and Cooper James were born today. Perfect in every way. Perfect little ears, perfect hearts, perfect fingers with tiny little nails. In no way was there anything wrong, except they were only twenty one weeks along. So perfect, but too tiny. And so, quickly and peacefully they flew to their heavenly fathers open and waiting arms, to be perfect in heaven aside their sweet big sister, Emmalee. Who can understand why? Who can know ahead of time that this was how it would be?
Only our great God in heaven can see what lies ahead. He knew Emmalee, Owen, and Cooper would greet him shortly after birth and still He created them. He saw the impact three tiny babies would have on this world and knew it was worth the pain and sorrow. What a privilege to know these precious beings, created for such a great purpose. Though I cry tears of pain and anguish, though my heart aches, and though my soul is burdened I know without a doubt that God is still there. He is here. He knows and says, it’s okay, I’m here. He makes no mistakes, he cannot lie, and He is good.
Ali and Jon are so privileged to have carried and brought into this world three children that God chose to bring to heaven right away. I don’t know why and may never know, but He chose them specifically from all the couples on earth to have this joy and pain. He knew that Ali and Jon were willing to be used by Him for His great kingdom work. Sometimes being open to God’s leading comes with it’s share of pain and heartbreak. But ultimately it ends in complete joy. The road is long, marked with suffering and unrest, but when we stand before our Lord and Maker can we say that we did His will and will He say, you have done well, my good and faithful servant? I know that Ali and Jon have been His good and faithful servants and will hear praise from our heavenly father.


And then Pastor Don...who is so gifted with words...blessed us with some thoughts of his own. For those who know him you know that he's had some rather tough weeks as well. His grandson went to be with Jesus just a few short weeks ago. And a week before the boys were born, Jon and I sat at his grandson's memorial service and wept with that family. It just seems to be so much sometimes...there is a lot of hurt in this world...and it's a hurt that none of my children so far will have to feel. For that I am grateful. But please be in prayer for Pastor Don's family and this is a hard time for them as well. I know your prayers will be greatly appreciated. One of the things that he said, which I thought was so good, is that there is one thing about Owen and Cooper that he is jealous of...now here I thought he was going to go and say...because they are in Heaven and with Jesus...but he went in a little different direction...he said...he's jealous because they already know the answer to the question that he has and he's one that likes to have all the answers! He said that he could just imagine as Owen left us and went to be with the Lord that he said, "Now what was that all about!?!" And then Cooper right on his brothers heals 19 short minutes later asking the same question! The real answer is we don't know what this is all about...why we have been asked to walk this road. But Owen and Cooper do and I'm sure they will fill us in when we get there! From there we went out to the cemetery...and there it was again...the green carpet on top of the box...waiting for the little casket to sit on it. There were a few more words spoken out there...my Uncle Doug said a closing prayer...and then the boys were lowered into the ground by their daddy and John Kohl (the funeral home director who we see more as a friend than a director). Then Jon picked up his shovel and began to scoop dirt into their grave...again...one of the hardest things I've had to watch...and knowing for sure that I would never see their little bodies again on this side of Heaven. Jim, my father-in-law, and my dad also picked up shovels...then my dad gave his to Matt...Sam got to shovel as well...and the shovels got passed around for those who wanted to help...it was pretty neat and sad at the same time to see all these men (Benny, Richard, Greg, Mike...sorry if I left anyone off of the list...) who would have been important in these two little boys lives, scooping dirt onto their grave. My mom started singing Jesus Loves Me and it was pretty sweet to hear it again at this same site...it was sung at Emmalee's burial as well...that time my Aunt Suzi started it. I laid two perfect roses on top of the fresh dirt. And then it was done. It was a cold but perfect day. And now my boys are laying next to their sister...but remember...it's only their bodies there...they are already with Jesus...and they are perfect. It's only hard for us down here...without them...this will take time but I know we will be strong enough to handle it...we will get through this time yet again. God has promised us that...He will not give us anything we cannot handle...we will cling to this promise 'cause sometimes it seems this is all we have. After the burial we had a nice little supper back at Jim and Maralee's...thank you to all that brought salads and bars...they were yummy! It was good to go back there and socialize with everyone that could make it...made the hard day a little easier. But then when we got home...I was ready to crash...and I did. Well I guess that's about it for now. Sorry this got so long for you all to read. But thanks for checking in on our story. God is not done here yet. He's got a lot to say and I'm already preparing for future blog entries. He amazes me all the time...we can already see His hand at work...and it's exciting. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers. The times that are tough seem a little easier 'cause I know there are so many of you praying for us. The tears flow freely around here and it's so refreshing...but we continue to be amazed at the strength we've been given. For that...To God be the Glory!
Love~
Ali

P.S. You can view Owen and Cooper's Obituary at www.parkerkohlfuneralhome.com You can also leave messages there if you'd like to. Also...on a side note...for their obituary we had submitted the photo of the feet to the Northfield paper to go along with the text. We just think it's such a sweet picture and we really wanted to share it with people so they could kind of get to know our boys...especially since Jon and I are both business people in Northfield...and Jon's lived here all his life...well...the newspaper e-mailed John Kohl and said they would not print the picture 'cause it would offend their readers! I could not believe this...talk about adding insult to injury! We were mad but crushed more...our two precious babies were going to offend people? Maybe they would...'cause we figure they are still doing abortions at 21 weeks and maybe people would see that these are real babies with tiny little toe and tiny little toenails. So...Jon contacted a guy that has a website for Northfield and now there is a poll on there that asks if the picture would offend you. To take the poll go to: www.locallygrownnorthfield.org I don't know folks...but I think God is using this too for His glory. Jon and I are considering taking out a full page ad in the paper and standing up for what we believe in...the life of a child. We'll see where God leads this.