Let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the life we have waiting for us.
That was a quote on one of the signs at Faith's Lodge. And I liked it...it felt very fitting. Although I think it should have said: Let go of the life we had planned in order to accept the life that is waiting for us. Just a minor change to the wording. I am a planner...I think I always have been. I had it planned out that I would be married young (and by God's grace I was) and I would have all my children before turning 30...I think that is one plan I will have to let go of. Not that I couldn't...maybe I'll go to Nadya Suleman's doctor and he can get me pregnant with 8 and then I could be done! No...I don't think that would be a good plan. No...I think this is one area where God is showing me that I can't plan my life out the way I want it to be. He obviously has different plans. Right after the funeral service we went out to Jon's parents farm to have a light dinner for all who could join us. While we were there someone wanted to see the "Makeover Room" (if you don't know what I'm talking about scroll down a few posts and you'll see) and I saw the frame hanging over the bed. In it are our family pictures...ours is a picture of Jon, me and Emmalee...for Jim and Maralee's Anniversary we also gave them the gift of getting a new family picture done this summer (after the twins were born of course) and we all were going to get new individual family pictures done as well to go into this frame. I was already having a hard time trying to figure out how I was going to get Emmalee into this picture and I realized that Jon and I would never really have a complete family picture done of us...there was always going to be someone missing...but I thought...maybe I could photoshop her in somewhere:) Yeah...I'll do that. Well I think now it's going to be a little harder to do that. I guess that plan is going to have to change. I have to admit...the day after the funeral service I think this one fact is what had me crying most of the day. The family picture that we'll take this summer will be one of just Jon and I...and in the whole group picture, Jon and I again will be the only ones without the kids in our arms or without the kids standing next to us. This is a hard thing to bear. I'm just being honest with you. We had so many plans already for this summer (as we did for last summer too). Jon getting to show off his kids on Father's Day...going to the Fourth of July parade with a double stroller in tow...my birthday with at least one baby on my lap (if not two...I might have been selfish) to blow out the candles...walks around Nerstrand with my babies...naps out in the shade of our big ole oak tree (in the hammock or on a blanket...both sounded good to me)...and the list could go on and on. But those plans have to be let go. They won't happen. And not that I have to be okay with that, but it's going to help me if I can get to the point where I can look forward and say...okay God...you are going to make all this okay...I know you have great plans for our lives and we are going to accept the life that you have waiting for us. So I guess I'm going to step out and look forward...and I'm going to remember that He is good, all the time...and He won't give us anything we cannot bear. And I will look back on the memories that He has given us with our children so far and I'm going to miss Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. But we will see them again...of this I can be sure...that is one plan I do not have to change. So for now I just ask you all to keep us in your prayers still...we still have a long journey in front of us...but don't worry...we'll be okay! We just have to let our plans be altered a little bit!
7 comments:
As always - you are amazing, Ali! I hope you realize it's okay to be open and honest. That is one of the best on purpose things you can do toward your healing. But in healing, you know, there are always scars. You wouldn't want it to be any other way. Jesus has scars - He also holds us in those hands! Know that you are always being held.
much love always,
mary
From a person who is "47 and have 6 children in Heaven but to the world's view...child-less"...it is a long journey...and the family pictures aren't very fun, maybe even a bit sad...my parents had the same pictures over their bed...and it was always just "me and my spouse". The journey is rough...but God is good! We are praying for you in this journey!
I tend to be a planner and I can only imagine how difficult it must be to begin planning your life and then everything suddenly change. I just pray that God will give you and Jon guidance and strength as you journey down this new path of life. I think of you guys often, and you are in our prayers.
I am so glad that you posted your pain and real feelings.....you are more optimistic than many would be....what a witness......
I'm going to share from my experience and if it relates or helps or something good, then PTL! When I lost my twins that came way too early (girls) I wanted a baby so bad... but something in my heart made me feel afraid that maybe if I had another one, I might "forget" the ones that were in heaven.... It was a stressor for me. You know, it's been 23 years now and many children later, but I didn't forget...and I'm thankful for that. The pain got less and I got busy, but my busyness was never a cover for forgetting.... I wanted to be through the pain, but not forget the blessing. I had my girls at home and was alone, I never got pictures of them...at that time, it just wasn't done. The picture in my mind will always be there... I'm so glad you have pictures. I must say, I have cried hours over your loss. I so understand your pain and when I say your wonderful little boys... my heart broke... it was a gift to me, a gift I was able to give my alive children.... come look at these... your sisters were little like them!!! It was a very bitter sweet time.....As I write this, I still cry. I have much to be thankful for and many to hold in my arms, but each child is a special someone from the Lord with plans, hopes and dreams. Part of death is the death of dreams...as you honestly wrote. It is true and part of healing is coming to terms with.......it's okay to share...in fact it's part of my healing!!
Hold on, dear one. God is going to do more amazing things for you and your hubby. Take heart and look for joy......it won't make you forget. I can attest to that!
In Christ,
Hugs to you,
karla
Oh, you are still in our prayers. God knows and understands your hurt and suffering. Although you may not know half of the people who hear or read your stories, they are praying for you. I know you will be ok. Your faith has already proved that. Remember though, it IS ok to cry.
Love you both, Pat and Janet
God knows the plans He has for you...just trust! Loved seeing all your pictures from Faith's Lodge; so glad you could get away! It's so healing to make things that will keep Emma, Owen & Cooper alive in memory with you forever. What makes me most sad is they will miss the great adventure of being your kids here on earth; what a full childhood I know you had planned for them. But I am confident that you will be blessed with more children & that they will love Emma, Owen & Cooper just as much as we do and you will give them a childhood full of love, hope and dreams. I can't wait!
Love you so much,
Mom
GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference. Change is good,do not fear,God is with you! Chris{Marguerites}
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