What Happened?!?

I've had a lot of you ask what exactly happened on that Saturday/Sunday. For awhile I just couldn't write about it...for one I know it's going to be a long entry...and two I didn't know if I'd be able to do it...it seems like it will be an emotionally draining entry but I think I'm ready to do it. At least I'm sitting down now...on Sunday afternoon...let's see if I get through writing it in one sit down or if I have to keep coming back to it. But I think I'm ready...so lets go...you might want to go get your cup of coffee...I just reread this and it's pretty long. Also...just as a side note...I don't think many of you who read my blog are men but if you are reading it...I just want to warn you that there may be some "girly talk" in here about the whole giving birth process...I just thought you should be warned! So last Saturday (Feb. 7) started off like any ordinary day for me. I got up...went to work at 8 a.m. and was finished by around 1:30 p.m. I was really tired and looking forward to a nap...after I ate my lunch! Well I was able to take a short nap and Jon got home around 3 p.m. We got ready to go up to the cities...we had some errands to run and he needed to go look at a tree job for a couple that goes to our church. We actually stayed there until around 5:30 and then we headed up to go to Babies R Us...we had gotten a stroller/car seat travel system when we were expecting Emmalee and we had never opened it so we decided we would ask if we could return it...they had told us yes so we thought we'd just better get it back there and get it returned before they changed their minds! So we first ate at Pot Belly's (which is very yummy...I'd highly recommend it!) and then we went over to BRU. We returned the travel system and got a gift card for it. I was all ready to spend it and just get our carseats that night. I had told Jon that I wanted for sure to get these tonight 'cause you never know if the babies will come early or if I will be put on bed rest and this is one item we definitely need before they come. Well...wouldn't you know it...I totally think this is a God thing looking back on it but we could not decided (or agree) on the color. They had a car seat in orange and they had one that was just gray in the brand that we wanted. And for some reason...we just could decide and Jon said...watch....as soon as we buy one they'll come out with something else and we'll wish we had that one so let's just wait just a little longer. Okay Jon...we'll wait. So we just decided to go back to my mom and dad's house and hang out. There we decided to watch a movie. Okay...here is where the "girlie" details come in. I have to back up a little because when I woke up from my nap that afternoon I went to the bathroom. I noticed that there did seem to be quite a bit of discharge...but I had just read a couple days before that you can loose some of your mucus plug but it will replace itself. I had thought about this...still thinking that the discharge was a little abnormal but just brushed it off...if you know me well you know that I tend to have a tendency to worry a little more and I don't like that about myself so I was just trying to brush this off as a normal part of pregnancy...telling myself that I would send my doctor and e-mail on Monday and ask him if this was normal. So then every time I went to the bathroom the rest of the day I still had this mucousy discharge...started worrying a little more about it...but still brushing it off. I even mentioned it to Jon and he said that he had read the same thing (thanks to babycenter.com) and so he didn't think anything of it either. Well as we were watching the movie my back kind of hurt...but my back had been hurting most of my pregnancy...part of standing on your feet all day...but I had been cutting back my hours so as not to injure myself too bad. Anyway...I felt like I had to go to the bathroom...number two if you would...and I went up and did that. Well about an hour later...9:30 ish I felt the same way again. I can not explain this feeling to you but I sat down and I knew that my cervix was open...I felt like I could have pushed a baby out...it was the same feeling I had when I was ready to have Emmalee. And then...there was blood. Now my heart was pumping so hard...I started shaking...I quickly got up and told Jon that we needed to go...I think there is something wrong. I need to get to Mayo now. Well...my parents live about 5 blocks from Fairview Ridges Hospital...and as soon as we got into the truck I said that we would never make it to Mayo and we needed to go to that hospital. I didn't want to say that in front of my parents 'cause I didn't want to worry them. Well...Jon got me over there very quickly and we went to the front desk and were told to head up to Labor and Delivery right away. We were blessed to get a great nurse and she was very calm which helped me to calm down a little...but I still had the shakes...which now make sense to me since I was in full blown labor and I had yet to have a contraction. They ran blood work, urine and then they sent the ultrasound tech into the room. Before all this the nurse kept telling me that it could just be a urinary track infection...it can present the same symptoms...so I kept thinking...yeah...maybe that's it. Well...the ultrasound tech was pretty quite and so me...being the one who can't take that had to start asking questions. I finally got it out of her that my cervix was open...fully open...and she needed to go and see what the doctor thought they should do. It was not a minute later that the nurse comes in...tells me to lay on my side...tilts the bed up so that I'm at an angle head down...tells me that I am not getting up from this bed again...and starts a catheter. The doctor said that baby A (Owen) was already in the birthing canal...his legs and the sack were sitting in there...which I could feel...he was kicking. Neither one had broken their water so there may be a chance of saving them but probably not. She was pretty sure that they were going to be born but let's just try this and see if the baby goes back up. I don't think they even knew what they would do if he did go back up...my cervix was totally dialated and there was no way they could sew it shut. After a while the contractions started...and they were pretty painful but I could stand them. I remember just lying there and first of all saying...this has to be a dream...I am going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream. And then...praying...telling God that He can still perform a miracle here...He can show these doctors and nurses that He can close my cervix and these babies can stay in there for at least a few more weeks. Please Lord, please...please let me keep these babies. They can't be born yet...they aren't big enough. And then...Jon...call down to Mayo...see if they can get a chopper up here to get the babies...get them down to Mayo...maybe they'll be able to save them! Well...Mayo told us that it was not possible...they won't work on a baby younger than 25 weeks...which is what Fairview had told us as well. Okay then...I'll stay on a tilt and they'll just have to stay in there for a few more weeks...I can do that. Well, as we all know, it was not meant to be. Around 5 a.m. I asked the nurse...are you thinking that this can really work or are you waiting for me to say that I am ready to push. And she told me that they were waiting for me to push. So...she went and got the doctor. The pressure was so great and I knew in my heart that my body was not going to keep the first baby in...that's an awful feeling though...knowing that your body was going to let these babies be born and thinking that it's your fault that you can't hold them in...you try not to blame yourself but it's hard not too...I'm sure I'll blog more about this later...I was still holding out hope that baby B would miraculously stay in there and that my cervix would close as soon as the first one was born. They said that was a small possibility but not likely...they had never seen it happen and if it does happen it usually ends the same way about 24 hours later. Well...I can still hope can't I. So...as I've stated before Owen Timothy was born at 5:40 a.m. He was born still in his sack of water and Jon said that he could see him kicking around in it before they broke it...they wiped him off a little and wrapped him up and handed him to Jon and then Jon passed him off to me to let little Owen rest on my chest and feel his mamas love and warmth. Before he was born I kind of got into a panic...Jon...we haven't picked out names yet. Of course we had talked about names but nothing for sure. Somehow I just knew that Baby A was a boy...just had a feeling...and the name Owen Timothy (Timothy after my dad) just came to me...and Jon said that he liked it. After we had had a few minutes with Owen we invited our moms in to see him...and also Jon's sister Annette came in to video tape for us...we are so thankful that we have this tape. It seems like it went so fast...the time of holding him while he was here with us. And then they told us that he was gone. I was still holding him when I felt the urge to push. We were still waiting for his placenta to deliver and I though for sure that this was going to be it and that baby B was going to stay in. So I handed Owen off to Jon...everyone else left the room...and then I pushed. I thought for sure that Baby B was going to stay in...I was not having any contractions...my body was going to be nice to me and let me keep one in there...but then they said...it's the second baby...and at 6:01 Cooper James was born...what...it's another boy...well what are we going to name him...I was sure it was a girl...but I'm so glad he was a boy...I couldn't have imagined having a girl...I had two boys now! But just like before I thought...Cooper James (James after Jon's dad)...now that has a nice ring to it. And again...just like with Owen...I treasure the time with Cooper on my chest. He moved a little more and I could really see his heart beating in his chest. He also was the one making little squeaks...so precious. And again...the time went too fast. After a little while...the placentas came out...and they were together...I still don't know if this is normal...doesn't seem like it should be...but they were connected...I have a doctors appointment tomorrow at Mayo so I'm going to ask then. They also did a whole blood work up on me to see if they can figure out why this happened...so we'll see if we get any answers tomorrow. Well I think this is all I'm going to share for now. I made it through without stopping but I'm tired now. I think I've given you most of the detail of that day. I'm sure I'll think of something later but if I do I'll share it later. Last night I was sitting on the couch and I noticed that it was 10:30...I couldn't help but think of the details of only a week ago...and I got a nervous stomach just thinking about it. I actually was pretty calm last weekend which only came by God's grace. And this morning I woke up at 6:30 and thought...by this time last Sunday it was all over and they were both in Heaven with Emmalee. It's a bittersweet thought. I'm so glad that they are up there and don't have to deal with all the hurt and pain of this world but my arms long to hold them and sometimes my heart aches with the sadness I feel that I can't have them here with me. But God is good...and He will get us through this...I know I say this a lot but I truly believe it and want you all to do the same. We have so many sweet memories of our boys...for only a short time with them they sure made a lasting impression on us...and we thank God for that. Well like I said...we have a dr. appointment tomorrow and then we are taking off for vacation. We had planned on going to this place called Faith's Lodge....it's a place in WI that is for families that have lost children or have terminally ill children...and this next week is only for people who have lost infants. We were already planning on being there and so we figured now we'd really need the get away and so we kept our reservations. I do plan on keeping up with you all while we are there and doing some blogging or journaling...that is unless they have a bad Internet connection. So until then...I'm going to run. Have a great week...and thank you again for all your kind words and prayers. We appreciate them!