"I have a God who's holding me"

I just got in from running some errands this morning and I just felt the need to come right to the computer and just jot a quick note for all of you. This last week has been so hard. I cried most of the way home today from town. I'm sure a lot has to do with the weather. I don't know about where you live but here in MN it has been gloomy and gray and rainy for the past three days. And I think that can do a lot to a persons mood. Plus this last week I have just felt like I have had spiritual attacks coming at me (I don't mean to weird any of you out that don't believe the way I do or believe that there can be spiritual attacks...I'm just writing what I believe and trusting that I can write this without you thinking I've gone off the edge:) ) I just feel like I am being tested even more and it's hard and I would really covet your prayers. I feel selfish even asking for them because I know everyone has their own problems but if you have a couple seconds could you throw in a few for me...thanks:) So on my way home I had the radio on and a song came on that I have heard before but I don't know who sings it...and the only real line I heard was..."I have a God who's holding me"...it was the last line of the song and I was obviously meant to hear it. And it did stop my tears. He knows everything...everything I have endured, everything I am enduring, and everything I will endure. And He's holding me...the whole time. Thank you Lord Jesus. So I kept on my way home...I drove by the cemetery and gave my kids 3 honks...and now I'm home to finish my cleaning. I still have a very heavy heart and I know these next few weeks are going to be real tough...next few months for that matter. I just thank you in advance for any extra prayer time you might have for me. Love~Ali



Oh yeah...got the test results today. Nothing really looks out of the ordinary...so that's kind of frustrating. She said the only thing that looked a little out of the ordinary was that the placenta did have a little Group B Strep growing on it, but that is naturally found "down there" and could have cause this to happen but most likely not. The Group B could have also only found it's way to the placenta after I had dilated and gone into labor and might not be the cause of anything. The placenta also was a little inflamed, which is a sign of infection but who knows. The only thing she thought was it could have been an ascending infection that would have caused me to go into preterm labor but it might not have been. So that is a little frustrating...sometimes you would just like to have a cause so that you can try to prevent it next time! But it also is another reminder to me that this was all in God's plan (who knows why)....maybe it's good not to have a reason...then I can't blame myself for not catching it. Yeah...that might be good.

Spring is here...tomorrow!

Hey all!
I just thought I'd check in with you and see how you all are doing! We are doing good. Still have our moments but as they say...time heals. Although sometimes I wonder if there is enough time in the world to completely heal you...and I've come to the conclusion that there probably isn't. Thank goodness there is life after death in Heaven and when we get there we will be completely healed of all our sadness and all our illnesses that we had in this world! And we can then lead a completely sad free life! But speaking of time can you believe that we are almost to spring? Tomorrow is the day! I don't know about where all you live but the weather here has gotten a lot nicer this past week and so I am just itching for all those nice spring days! I already am looking forward to getting out in the dirt and planting some new flowers. For those of you who know me, you know that I am not a gardener or anything but last year after Emmalee died I planted a wagon of flowers as her garden and I did really fall in love with it! And I can't believe it actually survived all summer. So Jon, who has wanted me to be more "outdoorsy", jumped at the chance and had me planting flowers all over the yard so I would have something to take care of outside and spend more time with him out there. So, I guess Emmalee changed her mama! Anyway, I have found something new that triggers sadness for me this last week. I have started making appointments in to May and June. It was really hard to write that first appointment, since I wasn't planning on working for those months, and actually the whole summer to be honest. I was really going to try to get to May and then take it easy and enjoy (or try to enjoy) those last few weeks. So making appointments in those months have been a little hard...plus on my calendar I have written out the weeks I would have been, I already had them written out, so there they are reminding me of what should/could have been. And I figure it doesn't do any good to erase them because it will still be there...just more faint. These months will be hard...I knew that. I think it will really get easier after June. A little more closure. But for now these babes weren't suppose to be here yet and while we are healing very well, I think it will be good to get past June. But it's also really hard because a lot, and I mean a lot, of my friends are pregnant and every time someone else tells us they are expecting it stings a little. We are so happy for them, we really are, but it's just a reminder of what we don't have. And what we won't have for a while yet. Sorry...I don't mean to get off on a pity party for Jon and Ali...'cause it's really not about that. Just writing what's on my mind I guess. Thanks for keeping us in your prayers. We really appreciate it! And God is writing a story here in our lives and that is exciting so I am just looking forward to all the new chapters. There will be happy ones to come. I am sure of it! Well...here's to spring everyone and the new life that comes with it! Let's go enjoy it!

One Month

It was one month on Sunday since the boys were born. Crazy to think about. It seems like it had to be longer than that. Is that all? I've been grieving a lot longer than that, haven't I? And yet...in a funny way...I said...it's been a month already? Crazy thing about grief...it plays with your mind! Well we are still here...holding on. Wanting our babies so badly. We've been out to the cemetery a few times. It's not the same but at least it's a place where we can go to feel like we are a little closer to them. I think this time around it's going to be a little different than it was with Emmalee. I keep thinking...oh today I would have been 26 weeks pregnant (or whatever week it would have been)...I think it will be like that until we get to June. They really shouldn't be here yet so it has a different feel to it. I think I'm just rambling here so please forgive me...I don't think I really know what I want to write. Anyway...all that to say that we are still here...the days are getting a little easier...I am back to work and that is going okay so far. It's comforting to talk about them with my clients and tiring all at the same time. My co-workers will probably get tired of hearing the details over and over. But yet it is so nice that people bring the subject of the boys up. It's so nice to know that people care about them and want to hear about them. It's so much better that way then when people just want to brush the subject off and pretend it never happened. I know that they are trying to be respectful of me and not bring it up in case I don't want to talk about it, but I think ignoring it hurts more. So thanks to all of you who have asked about the boys...I've enjoyed telling you all about them! Some have commented about the photo of Jon and I and the boys in the last post. They said I looked a little more strained in that photo than I did in the photo of Jon and I and Emmalee. Well there is probably a very good reason for that. We took the photo of us and the boys at the funeral home and it was a very emotional day for me. I knew that was going to be the last time I was going to see them and that was very hard. They were so delicate and it was a time sensitive thing so we went there (to the funeral home) on Monday afternoon to take care of them so they could be ready for their service on Thursday. And because of their size and they delicate nature we knew we couldn't have an open casket, nor did we necessarily want everyone to see them. So, yes, in that picture I was a very sad girl who was trying her hardest to put on a good face so I would have some decent pictures of us together. And here's something for you...this is what goes through a grieving moms head when she is not thinking clearly...I told our funeral director that it's too bad they can't figure out a way to preserve these babies so that I could just take them home and keep them forever! Can you believe it! What would I do with them at my house (besides the obvious...become this home bound girl who sits up in her baby's room in the rocking chair and rocks her babies all hours of the day and becomes crazy because of it!)...would I say to my guests...and yes those our our babies who died...don't they look so peaceful! No...there is a reason that we bury our loved ones...it may be hard but there is something to the burying of their body that makes it a little easier...it's a last way of saying good-bye until we see them again. I know that I wasn't serious about preserving them but the thought obviously came into my head and out my mouth. Jon could not believe that I even said that...well...I did. :) We can now laugh about it. Anyway...thank you all for keeping us in your prayers. We still need them...a lot. God has been good to us and we keep leaning on Him for strength. We keep praying that He will give us the desires of our hearts and that is for more children we can keep here on earth. But as my mind wanders some days I wonder if that will ever be true. If I never get pregnant again, well then I can never loose another baby...this is one thought that runs through my head. But I don't like thinking that way so I'm just going to keep praying that His will will be for us to have many many children! Thank you all again for reading this post that is probably so random and I probably rambled so much...I don't even think I'm going to re-read it before I post it. We'll talk later!

In Weakness I will be made Strong

Hey there everyone! I was going to post yesterday but don't you know it...I got the stomach flu! And even though I was only laying around all day and doing nothing I didn't have the strength to even type out a blog entry! I hate feeling weak! And I hate feeling sick...let's just get that out there as well! But today is a much better day and so here I am. Being sick yesterday got me to thinking about what I would write today. It brought be back to the verses our pastor shared with us on Sunday. It hit me then but I think it hit me even more yesterday. Here they are:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surprisingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Weakness...no one wants to have it. We all want to be strong...we all want to be the best that we can be. We don't want to let on that we are feeling weak or inadequate...and we don't want to let on that we can't do something. Well let me be honest with you. I am weak. The only reason that I am doing so well is that God is giving me this super-natural strength to help me. Because of Him I am surviving this great loss. Without Him I know that I would be a mess. I went back to work this week. I know that without God in my life, I would not have. I hear of people not being able to get out of bed. I do...everyday. I get in the shower...I do my hair...I put on my makeup (well almost everyday...I splurge on my foundation and I was running low so I wanted to conserve my supply until I could get to Macy's and get more...I got it...I now put on my makeup everyday!)...and I get on with my day. My days are hard, filled with a lot of memories and tears that come real easy. Sunday was hard...I was on the verge of tears all day. And Jon was also in a funk that day too so it didn't help. We are a hurting couple. But through this all...through our weakness...God is making us stronger. He is shaping us to be the people He wants us to be! So I can totally relate to this verse right now...when I am weak, then I am strong...because of Him! It's in His Good Book so I know it's true! Well I know that I haven't shared many pictures of the boys with you so I'd like to today. I hope you enjoy them!

Our family picture...Owen is closest to Jon and poor little Cooper's face is getting covered...but like someone told me...that's how baby's are! This picture kind of shows you just how little they really were!

This is Owen...he definitely had the longer of the two heads....Cooper's was more round. But both of them were definitely Feldman's! They both had the Feldman lips!

This is little Cooper. I had these picture of both of the boys because I wanted to remember how little their ears were! I know...kind of silly...but they are some of my favorite pictures of them. They look so peaceful! But they should...they were being cradled by Jesus when these pictures were taken!