One Month

It was one month on Sunday since the boys were born. Crazy to think about. It seems like it had to be longer than that. Is that all? I've been grieving a lot longer than that, haven't I? And yet...in a funny way...I said...it's been a month already? Crazy thing about grief...it plays with your mind! Well we are still here...holding on. Wanting our babies so badly. We've been out to the cemetery a few times. It's not the same but at least it's a place where we can go to feel like we are a little closer to them. I think this time around it's going to be a little different than it was with Emmalee. I keep thinking...oh today I would have been 26 weeks pregnant (or whatever week it would have been)...I think it will be like that until we get to June. They really shouldn't be here yet so it has a different feel to it. I think I'm just rambling here so please forgive me...I don't think I really know what I want to write. Anyway...all that to say that we are still here...the days are getting a little easier...I am back to work and that is going okay so far. It's comforting to talk about them with my clients and tiring all at the same time. My co-workers will probably get tired of hearing the details over and over. But yet it is so nice that people bring the subject of the boys up. It's so nice to know that people care about them and want to hear about them. It's so much better that way then when people just want to brush the subject off and pretend it never happened. I know that they are trying to be respectful of me and not bring it up in case I don't want to talk about it, but I think ignoring it hurts more. So thanks to all of you who have asked about the boys...I've enjoyed telling you all about them! Some have commented about the photo of Jon and I and the boys in the last post. They said I looked a little more strained in that photo than I did in the photo of Jon and I and Emmalee. Well there is probably a very good reason for that. We took the photo of us and the boys at the funeral home and it was a very emotional day for me. I knew that was going to be the last time I was going to see them and that was very hard. They were so delicate and it was a time sensitive thing so we went there (to the funeral home) on Monday afternoon to take care of them so they could be ready for their service on Thursday. And because of their size and they delicate nature we knew we couldn't have an open casket, nor did we necessarily want everyone to see them. So, yes, in that picture I was a very sad girl who was trying her hardest to put on a good face so I would have some decent pictures of us together. And here's something for you...this is what goes through a grieving moms head when she is not thinking clearly...I told our funeral director that it's too bad they can't figure out a way to preserve these babies so that I could just take them home and keep them forever! Can you believe it! What would I do with them at my house (besides the obvious...become this home bound girl who sits up in her baby's room in the rocking chair and rocks her babies all hours of the day and becomes crazy because of it!)...would I say to my guests...and yes those our our babies who died...don't they look so peaceful! No...there is a reason that we bury our loved ones...it may be hard but there is something to the burying of their body that makes it a little easier...it's a last way of saying good-bye until we see them again. I know that I wasn't serious about preserving them but the thought obviously came into my head and out my mouth. Jon could not believe that I even said that...well...I did. :) We can now laugh about it. Anyway...thank you all for keeping us in your prayers. We still need them...a lot. God has been good to us and we keep leaning on Him for strength. We keep praying that He will give us the desires of our hearts and that is for more children we can keep here on earth. But as my mind wanders some days I wonder if that will ever be true. If I never get pregnant again, well then I can never loose another baby...this is one thought that runs through my head. But I don't like thinking that way so I'm just going to keep praying that His will will be for us to have many many children! Thank you all again for reading this post that is probably so random and I probably rambled so much...I don't even think I'm going to re-read it before I post it. We'll talk later!