Quick Update

Hi there!

I've been meaning to get on here to give you all a quick update on how we are doing...but the week has gotten busy and gone by quickly...which I guess is a good thing :) We are doing good...some days better than others. We've been just getting back into the swing of things of every day life...Jon went back to work this week and I've been at home with the kids. I think they both got a little spoiled by us both being home last week...Tuesday was quite the adjustment...and a very long day! haha! Physically I am starting to feel better...I was just having such bad cramps for awhile there but they are seeming to go away which is nice. So all in all I would say we are doing good...which is in huge part to all of your prayers...its so wonderful knowing that there are so many lifting us up in prayer at a time like this...I have said it before and I will say it again...you all will never know how much this means to us :) There are just times you feel like you can't pray for yourself anymore and it's nice to know that others are doing it for you :) We are going to have a little memorial/graveside service for Oliver on Saturday at noon out at Valley Grove...I think it will be a nice time to just remember him and lay him to rest. We are going to have my uncle say a few words and my grandpa and then just put him next to his siblings...Jon is actually going to dig the grave this time...and as we did with the boys and Emmalee we will do the burying as well...with Emmalee Jon just picked up a shovel and started doing it...and then with the boys all the men there took turns...it turned out to the be the hardest thing I've watched and the best thing all at the same time...all of them were just taking care of us and our babies...it was a very neat experience...so we are going to do the same thing this time as well. You can be praying for the day...that it will be nice (it is suppose to be in the 40's on Saturday) since we will be outside for a little while and that it will be just a nice time of remembering sweet Oliver's life...I know it will be hard and tears will be shed but I'm also praying that it will just be peaceful. Well I'd better run for now. Again thank you and if I don't get on here before Sunday....Happy New Year!

Empty

I feel so...empty. There...I said it. And before you jump to conclusions...no...I am not depressed...it's not that kind of emptiness I feel...my womb is.......empty. And I feel it. So so much. My tummy is gone...well not gone because I've always been chubby...but it's not hard and round anymore...it was just starting to get that way...I loved it. And there is no mistaking any sort of bubbles for movement...they are now...just bubbles. I know for a fact that I felt him move once...I just know it...I was just over 15 weeks at that time...I was sitting at the computer like I am now and I just all of a sudden felt this little flutter with a couple little taps. Now seeing how tiny he really was it is amazing that you can feel a baby that small...but I know that I did...one time. I just was not done being pregnant! There...I said that too! And I'm kinda mad about it! It was just getting to the good part...the not being sick anymore...the having more energy...the start of feeling little flutters and kicks...I was NOT ready to be done. But here I sit...empty...feeling a little sorry for myself. Oh well...I'm going to for a little while. Because I know that I will pick myself up again...I will be fine...but I also think it's okay to grieve. Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst...I've been okay during the day for the most part...it's the nights that get hard for me...but yesterday...I cried a lot. I think it's because I've had time to really think about what happened...and what is not going to happen. Bennett and Oliver would have been such great playmates...how cool would that have been to have a brother that close in age to you?! I think they would have loved it. There are so many little things...plans that we had...I kept thinking how busy we would have been...but it would have been a good busy. I keep thinking how cool it would have been to have a baby placed on my chest right after he was born. I keep thinking how fun this summer would have been or how fun it would have been to have Oliver and Bennett dedicated at church at the same time. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...run through my head all day long. And yesterday...they just hit me like a ton of bricks...probably because I was feeling so...empty. We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy and genetics testing. We decided to do this so that we could have some closure...and just in case we ever do decide to pursue having another baby...it would be nice to know if there was something genetically wrong with us that would say...no...do not try and have another baby...that one won't live either. Then we could say...Okay...not going down that road then. I told Jon yesterday that it would almost be easier to have a result come back like that...with something being off in the genetics...because then we would know...and because if it doesn't come back like that then we have another "fluke" baby...all of our babies have been "fluke" babies...there was no reason for Emmalee to have a heart defect...it was just one of those things. There was no reason for the boys to come early...my cervix was fine carrying Emmalee...they never did find a reason for my preterm labor...I still to this day think that Owen was just settled too low and put too much pressure on my cervix...but there was no way to diagnose that. And this baby...well we do think that we know why...after looking at him after he was born Jon noticed that towards his belly button the umbilical cord was really tiny...almost twisted...so he called the doctor over...and he said that he think Jon is right...he thinks that he was a very active baby and might have just twisted himself enough to twist the umbilical cord and ultimately cut off his life supply. That would definitely be a "fluke". By the way...I hate that word. God doesn't have any "flukes" in life...He has a plan for everything. So time will tell what we find out...I hope that they call us sooner rather than later...it's already been a long week of waiting. And I'm not sure why it's so hard to wait and hear...I guess I just want an answer this time.

Before I wrap this post up I just want to make sure that you all understand that I am okay...I am just sad and bummed. We were so looking forward to this baby being born in May and adding to our family. It was nice this week because someone actually gave me some validity to what I was feeling...we've had so many tell us that it's a good thing we have two kids to love at home...and while I know that is so true and I am so thankful to God for blessing me with the two kids that I have...they don't take the place of Oliver...or Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. They do however make it easier to cope and they keep us busier so we don't have as much time to think about our losses. But Oliver has stolen a little more of my heart that I won't get back until I am fully restored in Heaven. And I do hug Bennett and Natalee a little tighter now and tell them I love them so much...because they are my world and God has blessed my life, our lives, with them...and given us a great responsibility to be their parents...and we take that job very seriously. I just had to say that little piece because I don't think people fully understand if they haven't lost a child/baby. We still miss those little ones...Natalee and Bennett never took the place of Emmalee, Owen or Cooper (and now Oliver)...but they did make our lives brighter...we give God the Glory for that. God is good...all the time. And one more thing...I know that pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable...especially in the end...but for those that are pregnant now I just would encourage you to not complain too much about this great gift that you have been given in carrying a child. There are so many that I have met that would have loved to have had the chance to carry and trust me...all the aches and pains are not nearly as bad as the empty feeling I have inside of me right now...that I promise you.

Okay...this post is all over the place...I guess that's kind of how my mind is working these days. I pray that you all have a very Merry Christmas. And I pray that the little baby that came to Earth over 2000 years ago, named Jesus, resides in your heart this Christmas and always. He's the only One that can fill true emptiness inside of you...I'm so thankful that He lives in me.

December 20, 2011

It was a beautiful day...a hard day...but a beautiful day. It was the day that we got to meet our little Oliver Davies Feldman...what a beautiful boy he was. He was so tiny, weighing in at only 2 oz and being 5 inches long. But he was perfectly formed...from his tiny little hands and feet, to his little eyes, his tiny little nose and perfect little mouth...it was so precious...he had his little hands and arms tucked up around his head...like he was sleeping on them...just like I do at night...I guess he was a little like me...but really...you could tell already that he was going to look like his daddy...those Feldman genes are strong! We were so glad that we were able to tell if he was a boy or a girl...because we really did want to name our baby...they said that if they couldn't tell at that time then they would run a test with the genetics to be able to find out...I'm so glad that we knew yesterday...it just made the time that we spent with him even that much more special. We decided to name him Oliver Davies after two of our favorite doctors that we have met down at Mayo. Both of them are so special to us and both of them have just been so good to us...giving us great advice and council and both have just been there for us and we trust them completely. Dr. Oliver was one of the doctors that we had with Emmalee (our rock at that time...we always looked to him when other doctor were telling us what we should do) and Dr. Davies has been our doctor with all of our babies...he's the one we see on a regular basis...he had us coming in every two weeks just to check on everything because this time he was going to get us a baby to take home. Well...we all know how that turned out...it wasn't in God's plan again this time...He has other plans for us...and He had a plan for Oliver's short life too...all 119 days he lived inside of me. We know that we'll see an impact from his life someday...it may be in Heaven but we know that his life was not in vain.

I'm going to close this post for now...I'll write more of the details of yesterday some other time but for now I just wanted to tell you a little more about my littlest baby boy...he really was sweet...I wish I could have kept him a little longer.

Three little words...can say it all

"This just...(long pause)...sucks". Those are the words that came out of my doctors mouth on Friday after he came in to confirm what the ultrasound tech (and us) had just seen on the monitor one minute before. As he ran the ultrasound wand over my stomach my heart couldn't stop beating hard and fast...our baby, who was so active 2 1/2 weeks ago, was still...with out a heartbeat. It hardly looked like a baby, as it was all curled up and lifeless...I couldn't believe what I was seeing...and I could stop the tears from coming...why God why?!? I don't understand...I really don't. I still don't as I am writing this but I do know the One who is in control and I trust...even in the hard times...I know there is a plan...even if I don't particularly care for it! Our doctor talked to us about our options...we are 17 weeks along in this pregnancy and so we could either opt for a D & E or induced delivery. He sent us home to think about it over the weekend...he didn't want us making any rash decisions. To be honest it would be so much easier to just get put under and have the baby taken out...but the procedure is kind of invasive and the baby doesn't come out whole...we wouldn't be able to see or hold him or her. So...we have decided to do induced delivery. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was really nervous about this...I don't know how it's all going to go...how long it will take...how painful it will be...if there will be any complications that will end up requiring surgery anyways...there is so much to think about...I'm going to drive myself crazy! Also, we don't know what the baby will look like...they are so delicate at this stage and so I just pray that delivery is gentle on him or her. I feel like I am just rambling now because of my nerves so maybe I'll just stop and just ask for prayer...just pray for wisdom for all involved and for the peace and strength that I know only God can provide. I'll keep you all posted.

Due for an update...

I figured I was due for a real update...not just pictures...so here's a little of what we have been up too...

Lately we have been trying to get the perfect Christmas picture...don't know that it is going to happen...we tried it the other day when it was snowing...I like them but the snow is a little distracting...then we took some when we got Jon's family together for a group shot...but everyone looks a little cold...oh well...next year I'll just have to get my butt in gear and get a picture taken in the fall...of course that wouldn't have worked for us this year anyway seeing as though little Bennett wasn't in our lives yet. Which I don't know if you know this or not, but we are so so glad that he is the newest member of our family...we are all so in love with him!! But back to the pictures now...here are a few of them that are in the running for the official Christmas card picture...not sure which one I am going to use yet...feel free to voice your opinion...but don't feel bad if I don't choose yours :) hahaha!

And then like I mentioned we took a group shot of Jon's family and the other day at church we took an impromptu picture of my family...I guess we all were a little behind this year...God must have done that to us because He knew that Bennett was coming into our lives :)

And Miss Natalee is doing great...she loves Loves LOVES her baby brother...she is always wanting to hold him and kiss him and rock him and help feed him and get diapers and wipes...she really is a good little helper for her momma! The only thing that she is doing now that we are going to have to stop is now that baby has a nuk (or a paci) she thinks she needs one...so we have to be careful where we leave them or they end up in her mouth...but the other day she came around the corner and this is what she looked like:

Too cute isn't she! She got those big glasses from one of the ladies in town and she loves them! hahaha! Other than loving being a big sister she is also talking more, expressing herself more (in good and bad ways) and really starting to copy what you do...so I have to be careful!! She is a delight...even when she is naughty (I swear the terrible twos have already started!!) and I am so blessed to be her momma!

Bennett has been a very good baby...we had him into the doctor last week and he is in the 93% for length and 80th for weight! So I guess everyone was right when they kept telling me that he is a big boy :) He's a very good eater (most of the time) and a pretty good sleeper...we've had two nights in a row this week where he has slept through the night! Last night it was 4 a.m. and I still thought that was pretty good...at least they are nice long stretches at night and he only gets up once in the night (if at all!). He's really starting to smile and coo and watches his sister very closely! All in all he's doing good and I'm sorry...I have to say it again...we are so blessed!

The picture below was after one of our photo sessions...he was worn out!!

Lately I have been thinking about Emmalee, Owen and Cooper...their lives and our time with them have just been replaying in my head a lot...I miss them so much and yet when I see the blessings of Natalee and Bennett that God has given me here on Earth I am reminded that this was all part of the plan...I was meant to be Emmalee, Owen and Cooper's mommy but only for a short time here on Earth...their lives were meant to touch others but they were never meant to stay...Natalee and Bennett are the ones that are suppose to be here in our family...they are the ones that I am suppose to be taking pictures of all the time and posting to the blog...they are the ones that will always be in my Christmas pictures...but...I can't help but miss my other babies. I always will...simple as that...their memories will always be fresh in my heart and mind...but it doesn't mean I have to dwell on the fact that they are not here...God has seen to that...He has blessed me beyond measure and He is really keeping me busy with my kids :) The other day we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" at church and I think this was the first time that I sang it and I didn't start to cry...especially by the time you get to the words: You give and take away...you give and take away...my heart will chose to say...Lord Blessed be your Name. It is true...He does give and He does take away...but He doesn't leave you during that time...and for us...He didn't just leave it in the taking away...He also gave to us...and the blessings that He is giving to us...well they are more that we could ask for or deserve...sometimes God does take away...but when He blesses...sometimes He really blesses...

you see....

I am due....

at the end of May....

a beautiful blessing...isn't it?!?! :)

More details to come later...but prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and baby would be greatly appreciated :)

Bennett James Michael

He finally has a name :) We debated this for a long time...but he's had one for a week now :) Now we just have to get everyone else used to calling him Bennett...but we do believe that it fits him...Bennett means "little blessed one" and we really do believe that he is a blessing to us and our family :) We also wanted to keep the name that his birthmom gave him because we know that it is special...and we really do like it too...Jon's dad is James and his brother's middle name is James...and my dad and my brother both have the middle name Michael...so it really does fit in our family! Anyway...just wanted to get on here and tell you that we finally have a name for our son...and well...I wanted to show him off a little too :) Here's some pictures of our little cutie!

Just some pictures :)

You know...I don't like to brag...but I got some pretty cute kids :)

The Story

Thank you so much for your patience as it has taken me longer to get his story on here than I thought it would! So without further ado...here is the story:

As most of you know we were chosen to adopt this baby this summer/early fall. But mid-way through the summer his birthmom decided that she wanted to raise him instead and so the adoption fell through. We were heartbroken and devastated of course but we had no choice but to move on with our lives and just keep praying for the baby and for his mom. I wanted so much to blog about what I was feeling but the hurt was just too raw that I never could...I just felt so close to this baby and to his mom and when she changed her mind everything changed and we no longer had any contact. In September we heard that he was born and that he was doing good...so we continued to pray for his little life and that if by some chance God wanted to open the door for us again that He could...and only He could! Well about 4 weeks ago, late one night I got a text message from his mom...she was checking to see how Natee was doing because Natee had just been sick with a stomach bug and I had posted on Facebook that I had just survived my first night with a puking child (the one thing I dread most about being a mom is having to clean up any sort of puke...except for spit-up...that is different...thank goodness Jon was home that night and he was my hero taking care of everything so all I had to do was rock Natee and only deal with a little bit of throwing up)...anyway...I got off track there...so she texted to see how Natee was doing and it just all lead to us talking about the baby (James) and how she was starting to think that adoption might be the answer. Talk about getting a little excited. So we all took time to really pray about it and see if this is where God was leading all of us. About a week later she came to visit us and boy did we fall in love right away! It was also so good to see his mom again and catch up with her and reconnect. And Natee fell in love right away too...she kept asking for "baby" and looking around to see where he was. After that weekend she had made up her mind that she did in fact want us to adopt him and so we went to the agency and our lawyers and got all the papers signed. We then had to wait for the custody papers to get signed by a judge and that took about 5 days...so on Monday, November 7th we met for lunch and after lunch little James was on his way home with us. It was such a good day :) And then since we have to wait 10 working days before it is all final we had about a week left of waiting...which actually went really fast...his birthmom assured us that she was not going to change her mind...that she had made her decision...but there is a little part of you that is on pins and needles that whole time...I believe that is human nature :) haha! So anyway...the 15th at 2:35 came and went and James is our baby boy now :) We are so blessed and can not say it enough...GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME!!!

Well this post has taken me about 2 days to write because I keep getting interrupted! It's definitely taken awhile to get used to having two kids but I think I will do just fine :) I just need to learn time management which has always been my problem....just ask Jon...he hates the fact that I'm always about 5 minutes late to everything...I swear I try I just can't do it...I can't be on time!! Oh well. Well I'd better run here for now...and just to give you a heads up so that you are not confused when you check on us later we are planning on changing his name...we love the name James Michael...it has meaning for his birthmom as she named him after special guys in her life and actually James is Jon's dad's name and Michael is my dad and brother's middle name so it works perfectly in our family too but we want him to have his own name and not the same one as his grandpa...plus there is something about getting to name your own baby...so we are still mulling over ideas and trying to figure out what his name is...we will let you know when we find the perfect one for him! :)

Remember...

...this summer when I showed you this picture of our little ray of sunshine...

...and then I showed you this other little ray of sunshine...

...well here they are together...Sister and Brother!!!

Today at 2:35 p.m. James Michael officially joined our family through the miracle of adoption!

I promise I will have more details to share with you later but I just got him to sleep and I'm wanting a little sleep too! But I wanted to share with all of you our GREAT news! God is good...ALL the time!!!

When I grow up...

...I want to be just like Daddy!

Last of the Summer Recaps!

Okay...so here it is...the last of the summer updates...it's about time...it is November after all! Where did October go? No idea. Anyway...we ended the summer with two events...one being Ole's 1st birthday party...where did that year go? No idea. :) Anyway...here is Natee...all ready in her party dress going to Ole's party:

She looks kinda grumpy here...but isn't she still cute?! She was so excited to go and carry his present in with her ;) And as you can see from the picture below, Ole didn't lack in party goers or presents! Nor was he that interested in opening his presents! And one of the presents I gave him he hated...absolutely hated! He even cried! I gave him some jammies (which he likes) and then I gave him this really cute hat...a dressy hat to wear like to church or something...we tried putting it on and he cried and cried and cried...I still haven't seen him wear it to church so he still must not like it! Oops...I'll have to make a note to myself Ole not to buy you anything like that again! haha!

It was a Noah's Ark themed party and Britt did an excellent job planning his party...it was really fun! And her mom, Lynne, did a super job with his cake...check out that creation!

One family picture before Ole got to dig in!

Mmmm...this cake is really good Oma! I think I could get used to eating this stuff!

And as you can see...Natee took full advantage of Ole being busy with his cake to test out one of his new toys! :)

The last event of the summer was Jesse James Days...it's always the weekend after Labor Day and when it finally comes you know that the summer is over :( But we always have a good time going down and partaking in some of the festivities :) This year Natee was in the Kiddie Parade with her cousins...I think she had a good time and I know that she was the cutest little cowgirl around!

Here's the whole crew...waiting for the parade to start...it's kinda nice having the older kids because then you can go and actually watch the parade and not have to walk it yourself! And if any of you don't know what Mutton Bustin is...just ask my nephew Logan...he was a mutton buster this year at the rodeo and he walked away with a shiny belt buckle to prove it...way to go Logan! (Mutton Bustin is where they ride sheep...they hold on as long as they can...it's one of the best things and cutest things to watch at a rodeo) :)

I love it...Carter looks like he is so bored and Natee looks like she is having the time of her life! :)

And the best part?!? At the end you get a messy push up ice cream treat...yummy!!

Grandma and Grandpa even came down to watch!

And of course...it wouldn't be the Defeat of Jesse James Days without the big parade on Sunday...this is probably my favorite event of the weekend...I know some people can't stand parades but I've always liked them :)

Okay...now you are caught up on our summer...it's time for fall! haha! Actually this fall has been so busy but I don't have many pictures from it. Natee did not go trick-or-treating this year...when it came right down to it we both were like...nah...maybe next year. She was just going to wear her cowgirl stuff again anyway...and she had just as much fun staying home...picking out one treat from our candy bucket (a sucker!) and answering the door with mom...she loved seeing the kids out in all their costumes...and I was very surprised and happy to see that there were really no scary looking costumes this year! I hate those things! Anyway...hope you all have a great weekend!

Summer Recap #4: Watts Family Pictures and my Grandma

Hi there! I'm back...with another summer recap...I only have one more after this one....and then I'll get back to regular blogging...maybe...you all know me ;) hahaha! It's probably a good thing that I am doing these summer recaps...brings back memories of warmer weather...which at the time I do not like but these last few days have been so chilly that I wouldn't mind having a few of those warmer days back...only a couple though...don't need any 90 degree days! Anyway...this summer we were able to get together with my dad's side of the family for a day...it was so fun to be all together and since we were all going to be there we thought it would be a great time for a family picture...and good thing we did...my grandma ended up passing away at the end of the summer and so we are so thankful that we have these last family pictures.

The Whole Crew...good lookin' bunch :)

And of course...we had to have a funny picture :)

My Grandma and Grandpa Watts

These are all the cousins: Sam, me, Kami, Cory, Angie and Andy

G & G with their great-grandkids: Ole, Ellie and Natee

My dad and his siblings: Pam, Sue, Richard and Tim (my dad)

Our family: Sam, Ole, Britt, my mom Annie, my dad Tim, me, Jon and Natee

Richards Family: Lindsay, Ellie, Andy, Richard, Pam, Brian and Angie

Sue's family: Cory, Sue, Greg and Kami

Mike and Pam

And this is one of my favorite pictures of me and my grandma:

it was taken the summer after Emmalee was born so I have all the lovely acne on my face still...but I just love the look on my grandma's face...for some reason it was hard to get her to smile for pictures...and this is one of the best smiles...because it shows a little of her mischievous side too :) She was a great lady and gone from earth way too quick for us that are still here...she had low blood pressure in the afternoon of August 28th...they took her to the ER that day and they did a few adjustments to her meds and sent her home...she didn't know why they had to go the doctor anyway...she was fine...well that night since they live in an assisted living complex a nurse was coming in to check on her through the night...when she came into check on her at 2:00 a.m. on the 29th she was gone...already walking in Heaven with our Savior...and I'm sure loving every minute of it! So while we were in shock and very sad she was not...she was preparing for that moment her whole life on Earth...just waiting for her Savior to call her HOME! She was a great lady and everyone knew she loved the Lord...she and my Grandpa won many hearts for the Lord with their ministries...first as pastor and pastor's wife and then as a team with their traveling puppet ministry. I loved going to their meetings and seeing the puppets...and even though I had probably seen each service at least 5-10 times it never got old...and I never got tired of hearing the good news of Jesus...and wanting to dedicate my life to Him...and since I'm kind of competitive I know that I have a lot of work to do to catch up to my Grandma...she's going to have a huge crown I'm sure when I see her and I hope mine is just as big...if not bigger! hahaha! And I can't even begin to imagine the cloud of witnesses she had at the gate to greet her...I bet it was an awesome scene...and I'm a little jealous...I will admit...I bet she's rockin' my babies as we speak...lucky little lady :) All this to say that while yes we lost a great lady and we are still sad about it we know that she is not missing us at all...after all this life is short and we will all be there in a blink of an eye :) And...I have to say....I'm really surprised that she made it this long before going to Heaven...especially with me as a granddaughter...because you see one time when I was about 14...knowing full well that my grandmother was deathly afraid of snakes I stuck a fake one in her bed when we were camping one summer...I thought right then and there that she was going to have a stroke and I was going to be the one to kill her...I don't think I have ever been so scared...scared that I was going to kill her and scared that if she did live that I was going to get a spanking from my grandpa for scaring my grandma...well she did live...and I did not get that spanking...she (I think) kept it a secret between us 'cause she knew how sorry I was...I think she saw the look of panic on my face too :) Miss you grandma and can't wait to see you again!