Three little words...can say it all

"This just...(long pause)...sucks". Those are the words that came out of my doctors mouth on Friday after he came in to confirm what the ultrasound tech (and us) had just seen on the monitor one minute before. As he ran the ultrasound wand over my stomach my heart couldn't stop beating hard and fast...our baby, who was so active 2 1/2 weeks ago, was still...with out a heartbeat. It hardly looked like a baby, as it was all curled up and lifeless...I couldn't believe what I was seeing...and I could stop the tears from coming...why God why?!? I don't understand...I really don't. I still don't as I am writing this but I do know the One who is in control and I trust...even in the hard times...I know there is a plan...even if I don't particularly care for it! Our doctor talked to us about our options...we are 17 weeks along in this pregnancy and so we could either opt for a D & E or induced delivery. He sent us home to think about it over the weekend...he didn't want us making any rash decisions. To be honest it would be so much easier to just get put under and have the baby taken out...but the procedure is kind of invasive and the baby doesn't come out whole...we wouldn't be able to see or hold him or her. So...we have decided to do induced delivery. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was really nervous about this...I don't know how it's all going to go...how long it will take...how painful it will be...if there will be any complications that will end up requiring surgery anyways...there is so much to think about...I'm going to drive myself crazy! Also, we don't know what the baby will look like...they are so delicate at this stage and so I just pray that delivery is gentle on him or her. I feel like I am just rambling now because of my nerves so maybe I'll just stop and just ask for prayer...just pray for wisdom for all involved and for the peace and strength that I know only God can provide. I'll keep you all posted.