Empty

I feel so...empty. There...I said it. And before you jump to conclusions...no...I am not depressed...it's not that kind of emptiness I feel...my womb is.......empty. And I feel it. So so much. My tummy is gone...well not gone because I've always been chubby...but it's not hard and round anymore...it was just starting to get that way...I loved it. And there is no mistaking any sort of bubbles for movement...they are now...just bubbles. I know for a fact that I felt him move once...I just know it...I was just over 15 weeks at that time...I was sitting at the computer like I am now and I just all of a sudden felt this little flutter with a couple little taps. Now seeing how tiny he really was it is amazing that you can feel a baby that small...but I know that I did...one time. I just was not done being pregnant! There...I said that too! And I'm kinda mad about it! It was just getting to the good part...the not being sick anymore...the having more energy...the start of feeling little flutters and kicks...I was NOT ready to be done. But here I sit...empty...feeling a little sorry for myself. Oh well...I'm going to for a little while. Because I know that I will pick myself up again...I will be fine...but I also think it's okay to grieve. Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst...I've been okay during the day for the most part...it's the nights that get hard for me...but yesterday...I cried a lot. I think it's because I've had time to really think about what happened...and what is not going to happen. Bennett and Oliver would have been such great playmates...how cool would that have been to have a brother that close in age to you?! I think they would have loved it. There are so many little things...plans that we had...I kept thinking how busy we would have been...but it would have been a good busy. I keep thinking how cool it would have been to have a baby placed on my chest right after he was born. I keep thinking how fun this summer would have been or how fun it would have been to have Oliver and Bennett dedicated at church at the same time. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...run through my head all day long. And yesterday...they just hit me like a ton of bricks...probably because I was feeling so...empty. We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy and genetics testing. We decided to do this so that we could have some closure...and just in case we ever do decide to pursue having another baby...it would be nice to know if there was something genetically wrong with us that would say...no...do not try and have another baby...that one won't live either. Then we could say...Okay...not going down that road then. I told Jon yesterday that it would almost be easier to have a result come back like that...with something being off in the genetics...because then we would know...and because if it doesn't come back like that then we have another "fluke" baby...all of our babies have been "fluke" babies...there was no reason for Emmalee to have a heart defect...it was just one of those things. There was no reason for the boys to come early...my cervix was fine carrying Emmalee...they never did find a reason for my preterm labor...I still to this day think that Owen was just settled too low and put too much pressure on my cervix...but there was no way to diagnose that. And this baby...well we do think that we know why...after looking at him after he was born Jon noticed that towards his belly button the umbilical cord was really tiny...almost twisted...so he called the doctor over...and he said that he think Jon is right...he thinks that he was a very active baby and might have just twisted himself enough to twist the umbilical cord and ultimately cut off his life supply. That would definitely be a "fluke". By the way...I hate that word. God doesn't have any "flukes" in life...He has a plan for everything. So time will tell what we find out...I hope that they call us sooner rather than later...it's already been a long week of waiting. And I'm not sure why it's so hard to wait and hear...I guess I just want an answer this time.

Before I wrap this post up I just want to make sure that you all understand that I am okay...I am just sad and bummed. We were so looking forward to this baby being born in May and adding to our family. It was nice this week because someone actually gave me some validity to what I was feeling...we've had so many tell us that it's a good thing we have two kids to love at home...and while I know that is so true and I am so thankful to God for blessing me with the two kids that I have...they don't take the place of Oliver...or Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. They do however make it easier to cope and they keep us busier so we don't have as much time to think about our losses. But Oliver has stolen a little more of my heart that I won't get back until I am fully restored in Heaven. And I do hug Bennett and Natalee a little tighter now and tell them I love them so much...because they are my world and God has blessed my life, our lives, with them...and given us a great responsibility to be their parents...and we take that job very seriously. I just had to say that little piece because I don't think people fully understand if they haven't lost a child/baby. We still miss those little ones...Natalee and Bennett never took the place of Emmalee, Owen or Cooper (and now Oliver)...but they did make our lives brighter...we give God the Glory for that. God is good...all the time. And one more thing...I know that pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable...especially in the end...but for those that are pregnant now I just would encourage you to not complain too much about this great gift that you have been given in carrying a child. There are so many that I have met that would have loved to have had the chance to carry and trust me...all the aches and pains are not nearly as bad as the empty feeling I have inside of me right now...that I promise you.

Okay...this post is all over the place...I guess that's kind of how my mind is working these days. I pray that you all have a very Merry Christmas. And I pray that the little baby that came to Earth over 2000 years ago, named Jesus, resides in your heart this Christmas and always. He's the only One that can fill true emptiness inside of you...I'm so thankful that He lives in me.