Quick Update

Hi there!

I've been meaning to get on here to give you all a quick update on how we are doing...but the week has gotten busy and gone by quickly...which I guess is a good thing :) We are doing good...some days better than others. We've been just getting back into the swing of things of every day life...Jon went back to work this week and I've been at home with the kids. I think they both got a little spoiled by us both being home last week...Tuesday was quite the adjustment...and a very long day! haha! Physically I am starting to feel better...I was just having such bad cramps for awhile there but they are seeming to go away which is nice. So all in all I would say we are doing good...which is in huge part to all of your prayers...its so wonderful knowing that there are so many lifting us up in prayer at a time like this...I have said it before and I will say it again...you all will never know how much this means to us :) There are just times you feel like you can't pray for yourself anymore and it's nice to know that others are doing it for you :) We are going to have a little memorial/graveside service for Oliver on Saturday at noon out at Valley Grove...I think it will be a nice time to just remember him and lay him to rest. We are going to have my uncle say a few words and my grandpa and then just put him next to his siblings...Jon is actually going to dig the grave this time...and as we did with the boys and Emmalee we will do the burying as well...with Emmalee Jon just picked up a shovel and started doing it...and then with the boys all the men there took turns...it turned out to the be the hardest thing I've watched and the best thing all at the same time...all of them were just taking care of us and our babies...it was a very neat experience...so we are going to do the same thing this time as well. You can be praying for the day...that it will be nice (it is suppose to be in the 40's on Saturday) since we will be outside for a little while and that it will be just a nice time of remembering sweet Oliver's life...I know it will be hard and tears will be shed but I'm also praying that it will just be peaceful. Well I'd better run for now. Again thank you and if I don't get on here before Sunday....Happy New Year!

Empty

I feel so...empty. There...I said it. And before you jump to conclusions...no...I am not depressed...it's not that kind of emptiness I feel...my womb is.......empty. And I feel it. So so much. My tummy is gone...well not gone because I've always been chubby...but it's not hard and round anymore...it was just starting to get that way...I loved it. And there is no mistaking any sort of bubbles for movement...they are now...just bubbles. I know for a fact that I felt him move once...I just know it...I was just over 15 weeks at that time...I was sitting at the computer like I am now and I just all of a sudden felt this little flutter with a couple little taps. Now seeing how tiny he really was it is amazing that you can feel a baby that small...but I know that I did...one time. I just was not done being pregnant! There...I said that too! And I'm kinda mad about it! It was just getting to the good part...the not being sick anymore...the having more energy...the start of feeling little flutters and kicks...I was NOT ready to be done. But here I sit...empty...feeling a little sorry for myself. Oh well...I'm going to for a little while. Because I know that I will pick myself up again...I will be fine...but I also think it's okay to grieve. Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst...I've been okay during the day for the most part...it's the nights that get hard for me...but yesterday...I cried a lot. I think it's because I've had time to really think about what happened...and what is not going to happen. Bennett and Oliver would have been such great playmates...how cool would that have been to have a brother that close in age to you?! I think they would have loved it. There are so many little things...plans that we had...I kept thinking how busy we would have been...but it would have been a good busy. I keep thinking how cool it would have been to have a baby placed on my chest right after he was born. I keep thinking how fun this summer would have been or how fun it would have been to have Oliver and Bennett dedicated at church at the same time. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts...run through my head all day long. And yesterday...they just hit me like a ton of bricks...probably because I was feeling so...empty. We are still waiting on the results of the autopsy and genetics testing. We decided to do this so that we could have some closure...and just in case we ever do decide to pursue having another baby...it would be nice to know if there was something genetically wrong with us that would say...no...do not try and have another baby...that one won't live either. Then we could say...Okay...not going down that road then. I told Jon yesterday that it would almost be easier to have a result come back like that...with something being off in the genetics...because then we would know...and because if it doesn't come back like that then we have another "fluke" baby...all of our babies have been "fluke" babies...there was no reason for Emmalee to have a heart defect...it was just one of those things. There was no reason for the boys to come early...my cervix was fine carrying Emmalee...they never did find a reason for my preterm labor...I still to this day think that Owen was just settled too low and put too much pressure on my cervix...but there was no way to diagnose that. And this baby...well we do think that we know why...after looking at him after he was born Jon noticed that towards his belly button the umbilical cord was really tiny...almost twisted...so he called the doctor over...and he said that he think Jon is right...he thinks that he was a very active baby and might have just twisted himself enough to twist the umbilical cord and ultimately cut off his life supply. That would definitely be a "fluke". By the way...I hate that word. God doesn't have any "flukes" in life...He has a plan for everything. So time will tell what we find out...I hope that they call us sooner rather than later...it's already been a long week of waiting. And I'm not sure why it's so hard to wait and hear...I guess I just want an answer this time.

Before I wrap this post up I just want to make sure that you all understand that I am okay...I am just sad and bummed. We were so looking forward to this baby being born in May and adding to our family. It was nice this week because someone actually gave me some validity to what I was feeling...we've had so many tell us that it's a good thing we have two kids to love at home...and while I know that is so true and I am so thankful to God for blessing me with the two kids that I have...they don't take the place of Oliver...or Emmalee, Owen and Cooper. They do however make it easier to cope and they keep us busier so we don't have as much time to think about our losses. But Oliver has stolen a little more of my heart that I won't get back until I am fully restored in Heaven. And I do hug Bennett and Natalee a little tighter now and tell them I love them so much...because they are my world and God has blessed my life, our lives, with them...and given us a great responsibility to be their parents...and we take that job very seriously. I just had to say that little piece because I don't think people fully understand if they haven't lost a child/baby. We still miss those little ones...Natalee and Bennett never took the place of Emmalee, Owen or Cooper (and now Oliver)...but they did make our lives brighter...we give God the Glory for that. God is good...all the time. And one more thing...I know that pregnancy is hard and uncomfortable...especially in the end...but for those that are pregnant now I just would encourage you to not complain too much about this great gift that you have been given in carrying a child. There are so many that I have met that would have loved to have had the chance to carry and trust me...all the aches and pains are not nearly as bad as the empty feeling I have inside of me right now...that I promise you.

Okay...this post is all over the place...I guess that's kind of how my mind is working these days. I pray that you all have a very Merry Christmas. And I pray that the little baby that came to Earth over 2000 years ago, named Jesus, resides in your heart this Christmas and always. He's the only One that can fill true emptiness inside of you...I'm so thankful that He lives in me.

December 20, 2011

It was a beautiful day...a hard day...but a beautiful day. It was the day that we got to meet our little Oliver Davies Feldman...what a beautiful boy he was. He was so tiny, weighing in at only 2 oz and being 5 inches long. But he was perfectly formed...from his tiny little hands and feet, to his little eyes, his tiny little nose and perfect little mouth...it was so precious...he had his little hands and arms tucked up around his head...like he was sleeping on them...just like I do at night...I guess he was a little like me...but really...you could tell already that he was going to look like his daddy...those Feldman genes are strong! We were so glad that we were able to tell if he was a boy or a girl...because we really did want to name our baby...they said that if they couldn't tell at that time then they would run a test with the genetics to be able to find out...I'm so glad that we knew yesterday...it just made the time that we spent with him even that much more special. We decided to name him Oliver Davies after two of our favorite doctors that we have met down at Mayo. Both of them are so special to us and both of them have just been so good to us...giving us great advice and council and both have just been there for us and we trust them completely. Dr. Oliver was one of the doctors that we had with Emmalee (our rock at that time...we always looked to him when other doctor were telling us what we should do) and Dr. Davies has been our doctor with all of our babies...he's the one we see on a regular basis...he had us coming in every two weeks just to check on everything because this time he was going to get us a baby to take home. Well...we all know how that turned out...it wasn't in God's plan again this time...He has other plans for us...and He had a plan for Oliver's short life too...all 119 days he lived inside of me. We know that we'll see an impact from his life someday...it may be in Heaven but we know that his life was not in vain.

I'm going to close this post for now...I'll write more of the details of yesterday some other time but for now I just wanted to tell you a little more about my littlest baby boy...he really was sweet...I wish I could have kept him a little longer.

Three little words...can say it all

"This just...(long pause)...sucks". Those are the words that came out of my doctors mouth on Friday after he came in to confirm what the ultrasound tech (and us) had just seen on the monitor one minute before. As he ran the ultrasound wand over my stomach my heart couldn't stop beating hard and fast...our baby, who was so active 2 1/2 weeks ago, was still...with out a heartbeat. It hardly looked like a baby, as it was all curled up and lifeless...I couldn't believe what I was seeing...and I could stop the tears from coming...why God why?!? I don't understand...I really don't. I still don't as I am writing this but I do know the One who is in control and I trust...even in the hard times...I know there is a plan...even if I don't particularly care for it! Our doctor talked to us about our options...we are 17 weeks along in this pregnancy and so we could either opt for a D & E or induced delivery. He sent us home to think about it over the weekend...he didn't want us making any rash decisions. To be honest it would be so much easier to just get put under and have the baby taken out...but the procedure is kind of invasive and the baby doesn't come out whole...we wouldn't be able to see or hold him or her. So...we have decided to do induced delivery. I would be lying if I didn't say that I was really nervous about this...I don't know how it's all going to go...how long it will take...how painful it will be...if there will be any complications that will end up requiring surgery anyways...there is so much to think about...I'm going to drive myself crazy! Also, we don't know what the baby will look like...they are so delicate at this stage and so I just pray that delivery is gentle on him or her. I feel like I am just rambling now because of my nerves so maybe I'll just stop and just ask for prayer...just pray for wisdom for all involved and for the peace and strength that I know only God can provide. I'll keep you all posted.

Due for an update...

I figured I was due for a real update...not just pictures...so here's a little of what we have been up too...

Lately we have been trying to get the perfect Christmas picture...don't know that it is going to happen...we tried it the other day when it was snowing...I like them but the snow is a little distracting...then we took some when we got Jon's family together for a group shot...but everyone looks a little cold...oh well...next year I'll just have to get my butt in gear and get a picture taken in the fall...of course that wouldn't have worked for us this year anyway seeing as though little Bennett wasn't in our lives yet. Which I don't know if you know this or not, but we are so so glad that he is the newest member of our family...we are all so in love with him!! But back to the pictures now...here are a few of them that are in the running for the official Christmas card picture...not sure which one I am going to use yet...feel free to voice your opinion...but don't feel bad if I don't choose yours :) hahaha!

And then like I mentioned we took a group shot of Jon's family and the other day at church we took an impromptu picture of my family...I guess we all were a little behind this year...God must have done that to us because He knew that Bennett was coming into our lives :)

And Miss Natalee is doing great...she loves Loves LOVES her baby brother...she is always wanting to hold him and kiss him and rock him and help feed him and get diapers and wipes...she really is a good little helper for her momma! The only thing that she is doing now that we are going to have to stop is now that baby has a nuk (or a paci) she thinks she needs one...so we have to be careful where we leave them or they end up in her mouth...but the other day she came around the corner and this is what she looked like:

Too cute isn't she! She got those big glasses from one of the ladies in town and she loves them! hahaha! Other than loving being a big sister she is also talking more, expressing herself more (in good and bad ways) and really starting to copy what you do...so I have to be careful!! She is a delight...even when she is naughty (I swear the terrible twos have already started!!) and I am so blessed to be her momma!

Bennett has been a very good baby...we had him into the doctor last week and he is in the 93% for length and 80th for weight! So I guess everyone was right when they kept telling me that he is a big boy :) He's a very good eater (most of the time) and a pretty good sleeper...we've had two nights in a row this week where he has slept through the night! Last night it was 4 a.m. and I still thought that was pretty good...at least they are nice long stretches at night and he only gets up once in the night (if at all!). He's really starting to smile and coo and watches his sister very closely! All in all he's doing good and I'm sorry...I have to say it again...we are so blessed!

The picture below was after one of our photo sessions...he was worn out!!

Lately I have been thinking about Emmalee, Owen and Cooper...their lives and our time with them have just been replaying in my head a lot...I miss them so much and yet when I see the blessings of Natalee and Bennett that God has given me here on Earth I am reminded that this was all part of the plan...I was meant to be Emmalee, Owen and Cooper's mommy but only for a short time here on Earth...their lives were meant to touch others but they were never meant to stay...Natalee and Bennett are the ones that are suppose to be here in our family...they are the ones that I am suppose to be taking pictures of all the time and posting to the blog...they are the ones that will always be in my Christmas pictures...but...I can't help but miss my other babies. I always will...simple as that...their memories will always be fresh in my heart and mind...but it doesn't mean I have to dwell on the fact that they are not here...God has seen to that...He has blessed me beyond measure and He is really keeping me busy with my kids :) The other day we were singing "Blessed Be Your Name" at church and I think this was the first time that I sang it and I didn't start to cry...especially by the time you get to the words: You give and take away...you give and take away...my heart will chose to say...Lord Blessed be your Name. It is true...He does give and He does take away...but He doesn't leave you during that time...and for us...He didn't just leave it in the taking away...He also gave to us...and the blessings that He is giving to us...well they are more that we could ask for or deserve...sometimes God does take away...but when He blesses...sometimes He really blesses...

you see....

I am due....

at the end of May....

a beautiful blessing...isn't it?!?! :)

More details to come later...but prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and baby would be greatly appreciated :)

Bennett James Michael

He finally has a name :) We debated this for a long time...but he's had one for a week now :) Now we just have to get everyone else used to calling him Bennett...but we do believe that it fits him...Bennett means "little blessed one" and we really do believe that he is a blessing to us and our family :) We also wanted to keep the name that his birthmom gave him because we know that it is special...and we really do like it too...Jon's dad is James and his brother's middle name is James...and my dad and my brother both have the middle name Michael...so it really does fit in our family! Anyway...just wanted to get on here and tell you that we finally have a name for our son...and well...I wanted to show him off a little too :) Here's some pictures of our little cutie!